Hi, friends. The high for today here in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont (NEK) is 57 F. We did have some snow on Tuesday, with a morning temperature in the teens, but now that dusting is gone.
The large masses of snow have been gone, in fact, for a few weeks.
That means our hens are happily free-ranging and laying more eggs.
A dozen eggs!
They can also jump into our laps again for chicky snuggles. I swear, Doris, our oldest girl, acts just like a cat. She even burbles in a way that reminds me of a cat’s purr, these sweets sounds indicating how thrilled she is with the warmer weather.
Lap, Dad, now!
The changing season also means Burke Mountain, our local ski resort, is about the close, but not before holding their annual pond skim, which happened last Saturday, April 4th. They titled this year’s event Pond Voyage (click that link to see a fab video!) and our family went to see it. I’d never been to a pond skim, and it was a straight-up party! Daphne loved it too, so much so that she wanted to stay for the entire thing.
If you’re not familiar with it, a pond skim is a playful competition where skiers and snowboarders (many dressed in hilarious aqua-themed costumes) come down a mountain to skim over the surface of a pond–this small body of water (real or man-made) representing the snow melt and, of course, winter’s end.
Burke’s “pond”
So it’s snow to water skiing!
On our way to find good seats. Pic does not do the horizon justice
Whoever gets across the pond without falling or sinking advances to the next round, but the challenge increases as participants have to start further and further down the mountain with each round, picking up less and less speed. Thus, with each round, the physics of the challenge get tougher, until there is only one man and one woman “standing,” meaning only one man and one woman making it all the way across, becoming the victors. This year, Burke awarded each winner a free 2026-27 season pass.
Based on all this evidence, then, it’s clear. Mud season is here, and true spring is just four weeks away.
This makes April a month all about transitions, which is fitting since it’s also the month we rolled into Vermont back in 2021. In fact, five years agotoday, April 9th, we (Texan suburbanites) arrived in tiny Canaan, at our little Airbnb in that most northeastern corner of the Green Mountain State, to start our new lives. We had no idea where we would permanently live, what exactly it would all be like, or even if our daughter would enjoy it, so it was a huge gamble.
Pic taken April 10, 2021, the day after our arrival when we first looked at this property, which we ended up buying!Much improvement since then
And, man, what a ride it’s been, but mostly a wonderful one! I’m a different person now–more peaceful, practical, creative, and grounded.
I’ve also become a proud chicken mama!
One of my first chicks, either Mildred or Mabel (RIP!), taken summer 2021
Daphne loves the snow and lakes, and my husband is back home in New England and much more content.
I also love living closer to nature, surrounded by so much rich, visible history.
One of my favorite Vt spots, Fortification Hill in Cabot, at the A.M. Foster Bridge
Our decision to uproot was a radical and even painful one in certain ways, but it ended up being the change we needed. This lifestyle suits us better.
It’s fitting, then, that we’re about to purchase the remaining nine acres that was part of the original owner’s homestead. The seller, a local man whose family has deep roots here, sold us a majority of his mother’s family property back in 2021 but kept a small part because, as he told us, he simply wasn’t ready to let it all go. His mother just passed away, though, bless her, so I think that was the catalyst for his decision to offer us the remaining portion. We close on that final piece next Wednesday, April 15, bringing our property’s grand total to 19 acres.
We appreciate our own family’s support for this decision. Thank you so much!
Daphne’s birthday is also later this month, on April 28th, and her grandparents will be in town to celebrate. She’s turning eleven, something else that’s hard to believe. When we came to Vermont, she was only five.
Pic taken spring 2021 in our new backyard
She’s grown up a lot.
Pic taken this past fall
Lots of good things, then.
All of it has taught me not to fear change. Change is disruptive and sometimes scary, but when you go about it with some thought, planning, faith, and resilience, you realize it isn’t actually dangerous (scary and dangerous aren’t always the same things, as Jer likes to say). This has been one of the best lessons of my adult life, and I owe it in large part to our move here.
I’ll leave you with my little haiku for mud season:
Things are ugly, then
they grow beautiful again.
Brown buds of new hope.
New growth!
Thank you for reading! Feel free to tell me how your April is going in the comments below.
Hi, friends! I hope you’re enjoying early spring. Texas peeps, this is when your weather’s best, so I hope you can get outside as much as possible.
Early spring here means fluctuation, or a battle of seasonal wills. It’s really nothing more than winter pushing back when the longer days grow defiant enough to climb above 32F. We’ve had a lot of snow melt and mud (and happier hens) and now another bout of freezing temperatures and snow.
This isn’t entirely dismal, though–it’s what makes the best maple syrup in the country possible. Late winter/early spring is sugaring season, when freezing nights and warmer, above-freezing days create the pressure necessary for sap to flow. So, it might not look like much is stirring yet out in nature, but the truth is, sweet things are happening.
A sugar house just down the road here in the NEK of Vermont
On a similar note, I’ve been quieter here and on Substack, but that doesn’t mean I’ve quit. Instead, I’m making more time, and head-space, to read and write fiction, and it’s been refreshing.
I’m currently reading To Sir Philip, With Love by Julia Quinn (Bridgerton Book #5).
After finishing Season 3 on Netflix in preparation for Season 4, I realized it’d been a few years since I’d read one of the books. So, I picked up where I left off in the historical romance series and am now thoroughly enjoying Eloise’s story. She’s my favorite character in the show, played brilliantly by Claudia Jessie.
Writing-wise, I have three current works-in-progress (WIPs). That’s unusual for me; I tend to hyperfocus on one creative piece at a time. This state of things feels manageable, though, and I’ve just finished a working draft of one WIP and plan to complete the other two by the end of May. Here’s a look at each one:
Untitled winter gothic story
Image by Microsoft Designer
A widower dairy farmer in 1900 tries to make a fresh start, but unresolved issues prevent him from taking any real action to move his life forward. Specifically, he can’t quite allow himself to court the local schoolteacher with whom he’s falling in love. On a bleak, sub-zero Christmas Eve, however, he rescues a lost young woman drawn to his farmhouse by a single lit candle, and this encounter changes everything.
All I have left to draft for this novelette is the resolution, so I’ll have that done fairly quickly. Then, I’ll let it sit until September before I attempt any edits. Once it’s edited, I will probably share it here as a multi-part Christmas story.
Slumber Sickness: A Dark Sleeping Beauty Retelling
Image by Microsoft Designer
This one is a historical fiction fairytale retelling, set in the mid-1920s on a wealthy American family’s vacation estate in the Catskill Mountains. The morally-gray protagonist is Malina, the Romani-Irish daughter of the family’s personal spiritualist and the childhood friend to its heiress, the beautiful Miss Rose Van Ackeren.
Mal and Rose’s relationship is tested, however, when an Austrian baron arrives to court Rose, who then falls ill to a mysterious disease of violent fits and catatonic sleep. In the wake of everything, Mal finds herself torn between her love for Rose and her anger and sense of betrayal, which ultimately fuels her dangerous desire to both protect Rose and seek revenge for certain unspeakable acts committed by this family.
This piece was inspired by the true story of the encephalitis lethargica epidemic, which affected Europe and North America from roughly 1919-1930. Compared to the Spanish Influenza, this sickness is a footnote in history, but it’s a fascinating one that remains a medical enigma to this day.
And while the first draft of this particular story is shaping up as a novelette that I’ll probably post here this summer, it has the most potential to grow into a novella or short novel. I really need to get back to long-form writing, and this might be a piece to develop. The research it would require intimidates me, though. We’ll see.
The One Who Didn’t Jump
Image by Microsoft Designer
This is a short work (4.2 k words) of speculative fiction. It’s set in the fall of 1992 and features Jessica, a little girl who’s just moved into a new house with her divorced mother, but things in her large, private bedroom aren’t right. She’s haunted by a frightening figure that keeps appearing at the foot of her bed, and she wants nothing more than for it to go away.
At the same time, she’s eager to fit in with her new group of friends who enjoy swimming in a local quarry. There, years ago, a construction site flooded when the crew hit an aquifer, and all the equipment remains underwater (this was inspired by a real place where my husband and other local kids in Katy, Texas, used to swim, and where some pretty awful things happened). Prone to dark thoughts, Jess cannot resist the feeling that something terrible awaits her beneath that green opaque water.
This story is finished and self-edited. I wrote it for a publication opportunity, and I need to submit it by April 7th. It was probably the most fun to write–it’s both creepy and nostalgic. I had a blast including little period details about the things Jess, an early Millennial like me, was wearing, reading, watching, and listening to. Please cross your fingers that it gets accepted.
In other creative news, I’ve finished my first punch needle project, and Daphne has done some more painting.
Don’t look too closely. It’s my first attempt and it’s rough, but it was fun!Daphne’s latest. I love the colors she chose.
It really is true that “artistic expression brings happiness, purpose, self-worth, and balance… [it is] an essential piece of a rich, productive life” (Deb Caletti, from Writer’s Digest July/August 2015).
On a personal note, I turned 44 on March 23. It was a beautiful day–skiing on Burke Mountain followed by an apres of craft beer and lunch with Jer at Burke’s The View Pub.
Apres selfieMy beer was actually a Phaze IPA on tap from VT’s Four Quarters BrewingThis pic of Mikaela Shiffrin hangs in the Burke Mt Hotel lobby; she’s an alum of the Burke Mountain Academy
That evening, I opened my gifts: a lovely summer dress from KJP and seven new punch needle projects.
Perfect new dress for seaside cocktailsin an Adirondack chair
We also enjoyed a delicious cake my husband baked himself, and I’ve had a blast spending an Amazon gift card from my in-laws and buying a package of Pilates classes with the money from my own parents. I have been absolutely spoiled.
So delicious!
Daphne started physical therapy two weeks ago and is doing well all the way around. I’ll post more about that soon.
Thank you for taking the time to catch up with me! I’d love for you to share any of your own updates in the comments. Enjoy the springtime!
Winter 2026 hasn’t been easy for the grownups in our household.
Photo taken at midnight on Ibolc
We’ve dealt with temperatures consistently in the negatives. We’ve soldiered through days topping only in the single digits, if they ever crept above zero, trapping us mostly indoors. That’s ramped up contagion, of course, and we battled an awful virus in late January-early February, all while watching footage of ICE murdering people in the streets of Minneapolis. God bless America.
Just after we managed to avoid an ER trip by forcing liquid ibuprofin down our daughter’s throat, the hot water in our kitchen pipes froze. Then, our oil supplier missed a delivery day–a Friday, no less– leaving us with only our woodstove for heat over a long, frigid weekend.
Ugh. Fortunately, things have improved.
But, illness aside, you know who *has* had a good winter so far?
Our autistic daughter, Daphne.
This is the first year Daph has participated in her school’s winter sports program. In her district, all third through eighth graders get to choose from skiing, snowboarding, ice skating, or bowling. Then, for six weeks starting in January, they get half the day every Tuesday to take their lessons off campus. It’s a nice break for the kiddos and a good way to make the often dark, icy days a little more bearable.
At the urging of her long-time aid, I signed Daphne up for snowboarding.
I was skeptical, I’ll admit. What exactly would she do while her classmates had their lessons with the Burke Mountain staff? Would I have to pull her around on her snowboard while she watched her peers go “falling leaf” on their heels down the bunny hill? Would she end up just playing in the snow until enough time crept by for me to finally load her up in our Subaru? Would she be able to ride the bus up to the mountain with her peers, or would the engine and diesel fumes overwhelm her, and I’d have to drive her myself? I was prepared to do all these things so she could be included, but I wasn’t sure they would add up to any kind of meaningful experience.
Such is sometimes the case. People usually do the best they can, but “including” my child with high support needs doesn’t always look the way I’d like it to. And then, I’m forced to stand there politely witnessing, and silently internalizing, all the things that seem impossible. That vast difference between my child I love so much and the rest of the world.
They are a magnificent non-profit organization that creates opportunities for people of various abilities to enjoy the sports and recreation most of us take for granted.
Their volunteer instructors facilitate activities like skiing, snowboarding, hiking, swimming, bike-riding, etc. for those who struggle to do these things on their own. The organization provides all kinds of specialized instruction and amazing adaptive equipment to make these experiences possible, guided as they are by the vision of “build[ing] a community where everyone can experience and excel at sport, recreation, and adventure,” which gives participants the “community, confidence, and skills” they might not otherwise have.
It’s been a beautiful experience for us.
Daphne and Kerry
Daphne’s instructor, Miss Kerry, met us right away that first day. She knelt down so she was eye-level with Daphne, introducing herself and speaking kindly but without condescension. She got Daphne strapped into her bindings on her board, communicated with her via some simple sign language, and listened as Daphne used her AAC device to say things like “Hello,” “Yes,” and “Again.” In no time, she had Daph giggling and signing for more as she maneuvered her around the base of the learning area.
By the next lesson, Kerry was holding Daph’s hand as she went down the lower portion of the learner’s hill.
By the next few sessions, Daph was only holding on to her with one hand.
“You have such strong legs, my friend! You are so balanced and relaxed!” Kerry tells Daphne. “You are amazing!”
Rarely have I seen Daph so happy. Plus, all I have to do is watch my sweet girl have a blast, up there on that beautiful mountain during these thankfully-bluebird afternoons, when we’ve soaked up the precious, healing sun. It’s felt like the sky knows it’s witnessing something special in all this wonderful affirmation.
Daph’s classmates have been so impressed and supportive, too. They cheer her on, calling out things like “Yay, Daphne! You’re a natural!” They’re right there with her, going down the hill around her. She’s right there in the middle of all the action.
She has one more lesson in March before winter sports end. I’m sad about that, but I’m so grateful for this experience and all the ways it’s compensated for the hard parts of the season.
Adding to this joy was Daphne’s Valentine’s gift from her Grandma and Grandad, the new first-ever autistic Barbie doll from Mattel.
The newest Barbie
The company worked for over a year with the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, run by and for autistic people, to create a doll that enables autistic children to see themselves represented positively and authentically.
The doll has bendable arms and wrists to reflect the physical stimming and flapping some people do to self-regulate. She wears a finger-clip spinner and a soft, simple dress to suggest the sensitivity some have to textures. She sports a pair of headphones, for noise-cancelling purposes and to indicate the love many autistic people have for music that soothes or otherwise appeals to them. She gazes slightly off to the side, representing how many autistics prefer to avoid eye contact.
Daphne’s favorite feature of the doll, however, is the doll’s AAC device, the method by which this Barbie communicates instead of using spoken words.
When Daph opened the doll, I showed her all the ways the doll was similar to her. She listened quietly before she pointed to the doll’s AAC tablet, looked at me, and smiled. Daph loves her own tablet, what we call her “talker,” so I think she knew immediately how important it was to this Barbie.
This Barbie has a talker, too!
Daph’s played with her every day since she’s opened her, making Barbie dance up and down while she, Daph, taps “Hello” on her talker, which I repeat back: “Hello, Barbie!” Daph giggles and makes the doll jump up on my arm or leg.
People have criticized the doll, of course. One major critique is that she stereotypes the disorder, since autism actually exhibits in so many different ways. Another is that the doll simplifies autism, making it “cute” without representing the hardships that often come with this way of being (Um, hello, the doll is a toy meant to enjoy… do kids want to see that hardship made explicit?). Another is that the doll is only one skin tone.
Everyone has the right to an opinion, and I am not autistic myself, so I’m not in a position to fairly weigh in (though, clearly, I do have a few opinions).
All I care about, really, is how my autistic daughter responds to the doll. I believe she understands this Barbie is just like her, and she appreciates that. She seems to love the doll, and that’s what matters to me.
This gift’s a hit
No doubt, people have critiques for Adaptive Sports Partners, too (though, I truly cannot imagine what they might be. That participants pay a fee, usually…?). Again, that’s fine; right now, I don’t have a single complaint.
Maybe I should. Maybe there is always room to push, to make something even better. Maybe my privilege, or the fact that I sometimes settle too easily, shows in my lack of complaint.
But, right now, here’s what it comes down to for me:
I can tell my daughter she is sweet, smart, beautiful, wonderful, and just as good as any other person in this world. I can read books normalizing autism to her, and that is wonderful, but it does lean more toward the abstract side of things, just as my words probably do.
What might make a clearer, deeper difference is Daphne seeing evidence of her belonging in the world around her. When she’s included in more ways that just being in the same school building or classroom. When she can snowboard next to her friend Ilona, for instance, and play with a doll that communicates just like she does. When she sees she’s reflected and fully embraced exactly as she is, in all her strengths and challenges. When there’s proof she deserves time to be front and center too, that she’s not always destined for the peripheries. This, I believe, will enhance her self-esteem and self-efficacy, and those are the bedrocks on which she will learn, grow, and ultimately thrive.
That’s a foundation for self-love, dignity, and respect. A good life.
And that, I do not take lightly.
February on our farm
Thank you for reading. I hope you’ve had a good February, and if you have thoughts or opinions, I’d love to see them in the comments. See you next month!
On Christmas Day, my husband and daughter gave me this lovely zipper pouch with this message printed in soft brown on the front.
Lovely
I thought it was a pencil pouch at first. Great! I love a nice bag for all my weird writerly things: writing utensils, highlighters, stickers, bookmarks, Post-Its, mini notepads scrawled with odd ideas or reminders, even a few bonus art cards left over from packs of Magic we sell in our shop, Mythic Moose.
An art card from our latest set, Lorwyn Eclipsed. This is Eirdu, Carrier of Dawn by Omar Rayyan
Why the art cards count as bookish things I don’t know, but I guess I might use them as bookmarks one day.
Lately, I’ve wanted to make more things with my hands, so this gift was quite apropos given it actually turned out to be a storage pouch for a beginner painter’s watercolor set. We’d seen these sets complete with colors, brush, and workbooks in Newport in November, and I’d commented on how fun they looked. Of course Jer, being the attentive husband he is, went back to get a few for me before we left town.
Seasonal, of courseTutorial inside the workbook
The paint set has allowed me to dive right into another hobby, with no other desire than to work on something low-stakes and lovely. Or, lovely some day as my understanding and technique improve.
First painting. Nailed it, lol. But it was a good time.
I’m having so much fun with it. Right now, I’m working on mixing colors to achieve specific shades while avoiding the appearance of brush strokes.
I did a better job mixing the colors to mimic the example in this second painting. I haven’t finished the patterns on the hat yet because sickness has thrown our household into upheaval yet again.
My family also gifted me two punch needle kits, which look considerably harder than the painting, but I’m eager to try my hand at these too. Again, for no other reason than to make something hopefully semi-attractive with my own clumsy hands.
Hmm… not sure I can even get the fabric in the hoop correctly.
I guess this is my version of the analog year and my pushback against an increasingly dark world where everything feels ugly and out of control.
On Christmas morning, though, what I found most appealing about that watercolor pouch was how oddly inspiring and perfect its little imperative was in terms of my writing.
Make pretty things.
Yes, I realized. This new year, that’s exactly what I want to do. I want to write pretty stories. Nothing more ambitious, nothing less.
With that, I reframed my entire attitude toward writing.
Small but lovely, even extraordinary; photo from Unspash
I didn’t want to fill out quarter-planning templates or develop SMART goals or in any other way be detailed or methodical about my writing objectives. I didn’t want to write out my ambitions as measurable checklists I could mark off (or not) when I did (or didn’t) achieve them. I didn’t want to work toward monetizing my writing. I’d done these things the year before, and I was over it. I needed something freer.
I battled a fair amount of creative anxiety last year. Disappointment, insecurity, and imposter syndrome were the main bugaboos, stemming mostly from the fact I had more rejections than acceptances, I went a long while without writing any new fiction, and my two official publications were met with relative quiet. I’d also come to realize just how hard writing well actually is, and how many extraordinarily talented writers are out there, even among the “amateurs” posting on social media.
I mean, my god. Who was I to think I had any business trying to craft stories for publication? Or even to share publicly? Who was I to possibly waste anyone’s time?
On top of that was subscription and advice fatigue. I follow so many book coaches and writing accounts that I’d gotten overwhelmed with all the advice, all those urgent do’s and dont’s. Don’t misunderstand me, they’re mostly great, but you can gorge yourself on too much of a good thing until you’re bloated and hardly able to move. I was paralyzing myself with all the things I’d learned, trying to write even first drafts that were unobjectionable, and I was developing a debilitating perfectionism. It was even giving me stomachaches.
All of it was stealing my joy.
It forced me to revisit why I began writing in the first place.
In 2022, living in a brand-new town far from home after uprooting my life, I was lonely and bored. I was no longer teaching, no longer forced to problem-solve or think in other creative ways as part of my career, and I was afraid my brain might rot.
Writing gave me a way to fill my days with thoughtful make-believe, giving me all kinds of characters and plots in which to escape. It also allowed me to strengthen my creativity in absolute freedom, which was so much better for my mind and heart than scrolling social media or watching bad television. It even gave me a way to output language, something I couldn’t do if I were only reading, which of course I love too (reading and writing absolutely go hand-in-hand; I don’t believe you can do either truly well without the other).
Speaking of reading, I finished this book today. I definitely enjoyed it!This signed copy with character art was also a Christmas gift Jer purchased directly from Northwick’s online shop. What a special thing for a self-publishing author to do. I love it!
I also knew I was fortunate to have the time and means to pursue a creative endeavor, something all people need and few can easily afford, and I didn’t want to squander the opportunity. For personal enrichment, then, creative writing was a perfect hobby.
It was when I began taking that hobby more seriously that things became more complicated and emotionally challenging.
That is not to say I want to stop taking it seriously; I don’t. In fact, pursuing quality craft for the sake of the artistic and intellectual challenge alone is my favorite part about writing. I like striving to improve phrasing, concision, and structure at both the micro and macro levels. I enjoy cultivating images and specific voices. I love synthesizing inspirations and ideas to hopefully come up with something iterative and fresh. These are the aspirations that I find, in the moments when I’m tapping fingers to keys in a wonderful flow, genuinely fulfilling, the highest form of play. I don’t intend to give that up.
Photo from Unsplash
I just needed a step back from, well, all the noise. All the unnecessary pressure I was putting on myself. I needed to let go of the idea that all of this must be perfect and lead to something specific and conventional in order to qualify as positive and meaningful–an actual published book or publication credits in the right kind of magazines, for example.
Not that I wouldn’t love those things; of course I would. But right now, this year, I don’t want to sit down and write with those specific ends goals dictating everything and driving me crazy. I don’t want to commoditize my work, so to speak, especially when I don’t even know if such goals are realistic for me. I hope my efforts lead to a book I’m proud of one day, or a publication in Black Fox Literary, for example. Those would be wonderful results. But not at the expense of my joy.
So, the more I thought about it, the more attractive and clarifying “make pretty things” became. And not that I’m tossing in the towel when it comes to elements like proper scene structure, either. I’m not ditching the conventions of a working story for flowery upchuck or things I never finish. I just mean, I want to find beauty and enjoyment in what I actually feel like writing. I don’t want to write only for submission calls. I don’t want to write just for a certain “legitimacy.” Life’s too short.
Thus, “make pretty things” is my one big creative goal for 2026. When I sit down at my laptop, I plan to work on exactly what I’m in the mood for, whether it’s appropriate or good enough for anything else. Even if I can’t do anything with it when it’s done. I just want to feel like I’m striving personally for something that, ultimately, I find to be a thing of burgeoning beauty and meaning. Something that is hopefully better than what I wrote a year or two ago. That’s what’s healthiest for me right now.
Photo from Unsplash
This shift in attitude includes pushing myself to post more of my creative work directly to WordPress and Substack (which is nothing but a more polished, curated version of what I publish here). I believe sharing at least some of what we create is part of a healthy artistic life; we need witnesses to our work, even if it’s just one person. I’m finding that, after I get over the initial “vulnerability hangover” as Amie McNee calls it, it feels good to have someone like and even comment on the piece. It gives me closure, and I find it’s easier to move on to the next story or essay.
So, thank you for bearing witness to what I’m writing on this blog, which is basically my public diary. I appreciate the views, and I hope what you read is engaging and somehow meaningful more often than it’s not.
I waited to post this little new year manifesto on purpose. I wanted to make sure I still felt this way by the end of January.
I also couldn’t bring myself to post right after all the violence in Minneapolis. Writing about creative hobbies and lovely things feels superficial and insensitive in light of what’s happening in our country. I also know, though, that giving up the things we enjoy because we’re overwhelmed, saddened, or scared is letting tyranny win. So, I’m trying to balance my own pursuits while acting as a conscientious citizen.
Photo from Unsplash
Did you make any new year goals or resolutions? If so, how are you doing with them? As always, feel free to share anything you’d like in the comments; I love reading them.
Happy New Year! I hope yours is off to a smooth start.
For this first post of 2026, I decided to share my practice scene from December.
As I’ve mentioned, I’m focusing especially on scene structure, writing one complete scene per month as an exercise to strengthen my skills in this fundamental unit of storytelling. These scenes are usually academic exercises separate from any of my works-in-progress (WIPs), but this one surprised me.
It has developed into something longer, and I’m still drafting it.
Deer tracks on our property, which partly inspired this scene
It’s become a Christmas ghost story, a piece of slow-burn American gothic. If it turns out well, I hope to share the entire narrative during the holiday season at the end of this year.
Evidence of all the nightly animal traffic on our farm
For now, here’s the opening scene from this current WIP. Enjoy the wintry setting and unsettling atmosphere.
***
Photo by Victoria Tyur on Unsplash
Your mind will make of the world what it wants, Jamesy,his father had liked to say. Remember that, and you’ll retain more sense than half the folks around you.
These were the words James recalled that week before Christmas, 1900, when he noticed the odd tracks in the snow.
He was no longer a boy. Yet, when that first December powder coated the landscape, and the mounds on the fence posts looked like gumballs of white, he couldn’t help but scan the earth for animal tracks. Deer, he mostly observed, and turkeys, fox, mice, the occasional rabbit, and even black bears, if it was early enough in the season. Sometimes, the enormous cloven prints of a moose’s hooves. The larger animals’ tracks, straight or winding, formed clear, often intersecting paths that emerged from the forest to head up the western hill toward the underground spring. There, water could be found even when most of the earth’s surface froze. Or, they ran the reverse, the tracks moving downward into the dark mass of pine and fir.
These strides were even and logical, and James still enjoyed interpreting the beasts’ traffic, inferring all the various life that had traipsed across his dairy farm in the darkness of night or earliest glimmer of dawn. It remained his favorite thing about winter, and now, what with all that evidence of animation amid stagnation and death, it was one of the few things that prodded the ember in his chest.
But that sunny day, as he nudged open an icy, snow-packed gate with his boot and trod over the sparkling virgin ground along the south fence, the tracks that caught his eye were different.
Strange imprints of two feet. They moved in from the forest in a single line as usual, but then that forward path ended. Running up against the fence, the prints became a kind of localized figure eight—circular, turning back on themselves repeatedly. Evidence of pacing, a lack of direction. A tread, seemingly, of confusion or hesitation, before ceasing altogether.
He walked around the prints, examining their strange strides, careful to keep his own steps away from them lest he confuse them with his own. He observed no evidence of the tracks’ further progress. Not under the fence or through the gate toward the farmhouse or barn or even back toward the tree line. As if whoever had been there just vanished. Or rose straight into the sky.
He closed his eyes. Opened them.
Nothing changed.
“Jesum,” he murmured.
The vaguely kidney-shaped tracks were much longer than any animal print, curling inward beneath each big toe. Human boots, from the looks of them, though half James’s size. And they just disappeared.
One of the little Houghton girls from his neighbor’s farm? Sometimes they dragged their sleds all the way over here to go down his hill. But where were the marks from the sleds’ runners? Where were Suzy’s or Lily’s prints homeward?
Why would they come from the woods?
James gazed at that edge of wilderness, draped in pristine white. Beneath that snowy top, he knew how the branches, saplings, and weeds tangled together, thick and suffocating, against a backdrop of dense shadow.
A memory emerged, and a phantom finger ran up his spine.
“No, not in my experience,” the former owner of the property had told James in all seriousness when James asked wryly if the old house he was purchasing was haunted. “But this here is an odd piece of land; that’s the thing might give you pause. We hear strange sounds from the woods sometimes, like howling, or wailing. A girl, it sounds like. Folks have disappeared in there over the years too. One was never found…”
Now, James lifted a gloveless hand to rub the back of his neck.
He could go back to the house for his rifle. He could follow the trail in reverse, into the trees to see where the prints led. Sometimes, vagrants camping out in the wild stole things from neighboring properties. That was rare, though, and only happened in the warmer months.
Squatting down, James studied a single print. It yielded no insight, remaining silent and secretive in the snow, which glimmered all around him like a million microdiamonds. The temperature was comfortable, just under freezing. At a familiar sound, he looked up to watch a single massive crow flap overhead, its throaty caws low and tranquil as it carved a path through the blue air, the whir of its black wings audible.
Straightening up, James turned his back on the prints. He went back through the gate, closed it, and headed toward the barn where there was always more to do. He had concerns more practical and pressing than this. His livestock needed him.
His father’s words echoed inside his head.
The mind makes of the world what it wants.
This time of year, dismal memories often fueled his imagination. What good would come from feeding ghoulish thoughts?
One of the little Houghtons, he resolved. And surely, there was some reasonable explanation for why the girl’s tracks looked the way they did.
He would not make anything morbid out of this.
He tried to ignore the tightness in his gut.
He would not let this warp a bright winter’s day.
Coward, he thought to himself, heading into the dung-fragrant barn.
***
Thanks for reading!
What, if anything, do you find creepy or uncanny about the wintertime? Feel free to leave a comment.
I hope everyone stays healthy, and I’ll be back with another post later this month.
On the first Wednesday of December, I cut down my own Christmas tree.
Bluebird morningon our property
We live on a Christmas tree farm in northeastern Vermont, so choosing and hauling our own trees back to the house is a wonderful and relatively easy privilege. In the last couple of years, I’ve put up my own little Yuletide arbor in our farmhouse dining room, where I trim it with Nutcracker-themed ornaments and all kinds of sparkly feminine baubles. It’s become my own little tradition, one that’s separate from decorating our larger family tree in the living room with my husband and daughter.
This year, we’d done all our holiday decorating before we left for Thanksgiving in Newport, except for getting my mini tree. No biggie, I thought. We’ll just get that little guy and put him up the weekend we’re back. Unfortunately, along with some new clothes and other fun stuff, we carried home our first seasonal illness, and my husband hadn’t felt well for days. No fever, just a nasty cough, low energy, and a lack of appetite, but he certainly didn’t feel up to cutting down and carrying in another fir tree.
I was feeling the pressure—less than a month until Christmas, and I wanted to enjoy all my decorations for as long as possible, including my little tree. Impatience and frustration were squeezing out any sympathy for my poor husband. (Yes, I realize how spoiled I sound.)
It occurred to me, though, while driving home from school drop-off, marveling at the crystalline majesty of a sunny, post-snowstorm morning, that I should just cut down my tree myself.
It couldn’t be that difficult, right?
Even if I didn’t have the strength to saw all the way through the trunk, trying was better than sitting inside irritable and helpless about it. I’d done enough of that lately about other things, and I was sick of feeling that way.
So, I resolved to have one more cup of coffee, then don my snow pants, sturdiest gloves, and Bean boots, and venture out with the handsaw.
I’ve always been petite, and I’ve tended to think of myself as rather delicate and helpless. I’m not sure where that attitude came from, but I suspect it’s something I absorbed growing up as an early Millennial at the very edge of the Deep South, where I danced on the drill team and joined a sorority. In these more socially conservative groups, there lingered the idea that ladies ought never to do the manual labor a male will happily do for them. It’s the classic princess attitude, or the idea that you ought to be a “show pony” as opposed to a “work horse,” as my stylist once said. So, I usually defaulted to letting my boyfriends and, later, even my husband do most of the literal heavy lifting.
But I wasn’t going to act helpless that morning, dammit. I wanted my Christmas tree, and I would make that happen.
I found the saw in the garage and trudged into the lines of Fraser firs, already invigorated by the sunlight on my face and the endorphins activated by the outdoor exertion, and I was toasty despite the 19 degrees F. I picked a younger tree not far from the house, brushing off most of the snow first to ensure it had a nice shape. Then I kneeled, grasped the trunk in my left hand, and began sawing with my right.
Chosen tree
It felt like the saw’s teeth hardly made a slice, and my shoulder ached right away. I’m almost forty-four and I’ve been sedentary this year, so I’m not in the best shape. I stopped for a minute, leaned my palms into my thighs, and watched my own apparent weakness materialize in the steam from my breath.
Crap, I thought. I probably couldn’t do this. I’d have to wait. Or, I’d have to march back in, announce to my husband I failed, and see how gallant he was feeling. It was likely he’d drag on his own coat and snowpants between virtual meetings and come finish the job for me. He’s a sweet, solicitous soul like that.
I hated the idea.
Try again, I thought. A little higher up. Don’t give up so easily.
I started sawing once more, not quite so close to the ground. I realized I needed two hands, and I let go of the trunk and used both—my entire body, really—to saw away, allowing my gaze to wander, just concentrating on the rhythm of the movement and keeping my core muscles strong. Doing my best not to strain my middle-aged back.
I just kept sawing and breathing. Panting, more like it, but I kept going. It wasn’t pretty or dainty.
It took a while but suddenly, that little tree tumbled over. It startled me because, not feeling much through my gloves, I didn’t think I was making any progress.
But wouldn’t you know it, down it went.
Success
I hadn’t felt like such a badass since giving birth to my child ten years ago. Well, maybe not quite that fierce, but close.
I lifted my handsome little tree, now entirely mine, onto my daughter’s snow tube and pulled him back toward the house.
Bringing it on home
“See what I did?” I asked Susie, Jeanie, Mimi, and Doris, my hens. The tree and tube just scared them, and they ran under their coop to hide.
But I was still proud of myself. I propped the little Fraser up against our ancient front door, where the sun could melt the remaining snow before I brought it inside to decorate. Prior to that morning, I would have said the tree-trimming was the best part, but now I wasn’t so sure.
Drying out
Years ago, when I had a side-gig as a Pure Barre instructor, we had a saying: “You are stronger than you think.”
I used to consider that phrase little more than branding. A trite, obligatory statement we instructors were trained to weave into our cues in every class, especially when we could see our clients’ trembles and sweat, that point when many of them came out of their positions to rest because they just couldn’t take the shake and burn. The phrase was meant to keep them going a little longer.
Those painful segments were, after all, when their bodies were actually changing. When their strength was truly developing, though in the moment it felt like weakness and failure. That burn was the breakdown of their muscles, what made our clients ultimately leaner and stronger, and the next class a little easier, once they were rested and their muscles repaired.
As the years go on, in many episodes both major and minor, like my little tree-cutting adventure, I’ve recognized the truth of those words. We are all, in fact, stronger than we believe, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and when we persevere through our doubts and discomforts, we often achieve the most growth.
“Of course you cut down your own tree,” my husband said when, puffy with pride, I reported what I’d done. He sounded almost blasé about it, and for a minute I was miffed, but then I realized I should be flattered.
“You’re a tough, capable person, Jen,” he added. “I wouldn’t have married you otherwise.”
My tree finally all decorated
As this year draws to a close and we face yet another one—probably just as chaotic and uncertain as this one, if not more so—that is my December wish for us all. I hope we all remember our own strength. I hope we all persevere through those difficult moments, big and small, with greater confidence.
I want all of us to take more chances, even little ones. I want us all to make even the little things happen for ourselves because there is growth in those moments too. They are, in truth, rehearsals in grit and determination, and we need them to fortify ourselves for when those bigger, more daunting trials come along, as they inevitably will.
I write this as a metaphor of course, but I hope we can all go out and cut down our own Christmas trees.
Sugar Plum wishes
Happy holidays! I wish you the best, and I’ll see you in the new year.
Happy December! I thought I was done posting for the year, but it turns out I have more to share.
My friend Robyn Baker at The Ink Grove on Substack publishes monthly writing prompts, and it occurred to me these would be great ways to practice scene structure. I’d use each one to compose a single working scene with all the requisite elements, as a little composition separate from any longer, more serious WIP and meant simply to develop my skills. It seemed like a constructive endeavor and another way to have some fun.
So, on Thanksgiving night, I drafted a scene for Robyn’s November prompt: to write anything in a genre of choice that included a photograph, an unexpected guest, and Thanksgiving dinner.
It was a blast, and I kept gravitating back to this little piece, developing and editing it for a couple days afterward.
I decided to share it here for a few reasons. First, to hold myself accountable in this new practice. Second, to get more comfortable with vulnerability and imperfection. Finally, to share what Robyn’s doing with a few more people.
So, here is my scene for her November prompt. I should have shared it much sooner, but I started it late, we were traveling home from Newport, and then we all got sick. Oh, well. The world’s an imperfect place.
I hope you enjoy this little narrative of contemporary fiction, about a woman whose carefully curated solitude is challenged when an unexpected knock offers the possibility of connection, if she has the courage to hope again.
Image by Lasse Moller on Unsplash
A CANDLE and a KNOCK
In her tiny living room, Tess sat down at the little round table made of particle board. She’d covered its cheapness with an ivory damask tablecloth, its sheen reflecting the warm lamplight, and she’d placed on it her grandmother’s sterling silver candlestick and crystal vase, filled with burgundy, mauve, and gold-colored mums. Beyond the table, a downhill view of Main Street ending at Lake Champlain, long and gray and still, filled the bottom half of her third-floor window.
Tess had already poured herself a generous amount of Gallo pinot grigio and served food on only her china plate: rolled slices of Boar’s Head smoked turkey, plus servings of green bean casserole and mashed potatoes made from scratch because, why not? And though she was alone, the table would have looked lopsided with only a place set for herself, so she’d laid out matching dinner, roll, and salad plates—the sage Wedgewood a steal from a Waterbury antique shop—plus cutlery, wine glass, and linen napkin on the other side too, for the sake of symmetry. She planned to take a couple pictures on her phone, for posterity. To prove she was, in fact, using what little she had to curate a new, lovely life entirely on her own terms.
Maybe she would post the best pic on her new Insta, if it didn’t feel too weird or pathetic.
But instead of reaching for her phone, perched on a thick library book within arm’s reach, she picked up an old photograph next to her dinner knife. It was an image captured on real film a decade ago, and it had spent years pressed between a page and a plastic sheet in her parents’ album before Tess discovered it.
In the photo, she stood in graduation robes between her linen-suited mother and her robed father, his ceremonial attire matching her own. The university had awarded them both their bachelor’s degrees that day, and in the picture, his gray and her blonde head were tilted toward each other, touching.
That short span of years when her mother was still healthy, her father sober, and everyone beamed.
The picture would be a perfect relic if her then-boyfriend Brad, now her ex-husband, hadn’t taken it.
Well, she couldn’t change that. And really, it didn’t sully all the joy she remembered from that day. Not really. She could still recall the pockets of air beneath her heels, that strange sense of power and possibility. That feeling that if she and Dad just bent their knees deeply enough and leapt, they could touch the sun.
A phantom hand squeezed her heart. It ached almost as much as any cramp, and she slid the photo between the candlestick and silver pepper shaker, the image disappearing in the angle of the wafer-thin photo.
Swiping her cheek, she reached for her phone. Dwelling on any of that was stupid; it wouldn’t bring any of them back.
Instead, she’d snap a quick picture of her table, then disappear for a while as she ate and read her book. She wanted the peace and quiet of a solitary evening, in truth. It was restful. She was just fine on her own.
Happy Thanksgiving.
“Crap.” She hadn’t lit the beeswax taper in the candlestick. She couldn’t take a proper picture without the wick lit.
Tess stood up to hunt for a book of matches, and someone knocked twice at the front door. Quick and staccato.
She paused, then crossed the room quietly. Rising onto the balls of her bare feet, she saw through the peephole a magnified length of blue and a smaller head of brown.
The hell?
Why was he here?
She was a little dizzy.
The thought of making even short, polite conversation with her landlord’s electrician drained what serenity she’d mustered.
But, Josh was a nice guy, despite his couple of crooked teeth. The last thing she wanted to do was be rude to him on a holiday. He’d probably just forgotten something. A thing from his toolbox, a drill attachment or something. This old Queen Anne Victorian, converted into multiple residences, was undergoing a fresh round of renovations. Josh didn’t strike her as the careless type, so of course he’d come back for something he’d forgotten when he’d worked on her apartment earlier that week.
She could pretend to be out.
If she was quiet long enough, he’d go away.
That would be easier. She could get back to her food and the bloated escapism that was ABreath of Snow and Ashes.
She glanced over at the table. The empty chair. Empty plates and glasses opposite her own, gleaming and cold. Beyond the window, the massive stillness and silence of the lake. No boats on the water today. Not even a train pulling in or out of the station down at the lake’s edge.
She considered the hours of silence to come. The long night.
She might go the entire weekend without speaking to anyone. Such a thing was entirely possible, these days.
Gingerly, she turned the top lock. Her stomach clenched at the scrape and click. Now he knew she was there. She turned the cold knob and opened the door, just enough to lean out, her chest tight.
“Hey, Josh.”
“Hi, Tess. I hope I’m not bothering you.” He flashed her a tentative, close-mouthed smile.
“No.”
She opened the door a little wider, still leaning out. It felt wrong to let him see her bare toes. It’d been ages since she painted them. And she was wearing nothing but loose yoga pants and an old V-neck top, no bra. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, locks slipping from the clip, and kept her chest hidden lest he see the shape of her nipples against the shirt’s fabric.
“Did you forget something?” she asked.
“I—” He pulled his chin back and laughed. A brief, sharp sound. “Well…” He clasped his hands together. “This is embarrassing. I was around, and I thought I might actually take you up on your offer. Though please, no pressure if you’re busy.”
“My offer?”
Her mind scanned back over their exchanges that week, remembering mostly his words, though nothing beyond the usual Good morning, I’ll be working on the wiring today, I’ll keep this door propped, will the drilling bother you?
Her responses: Would you like a bottled water? I’ll be out for a while… See you tomorrow…
“The potatoes?” he ventured. “The ones you were going to make from scratch?”
“Oh!” A wave of heat engulfed her. That’s right. She’d made an off-hand comment about mashing potatoes by hand, and all the heavy cream and garlic she needed. The recipe would make a ton, she’d said, and she’d be happy to share them with him.
She’d meant as leftovers in Tupperware of course, to give him the day he came back for work, but she hadn’t said that part out loud. And really, it had just been chatter to fill the space between them while he’d been on a break from updating the third-floor wiring. He’d sipped from a water bottle, lingering in her doorway, his eyes never leaving her.
And he’d recently switched from “Ms. Thetford” to her first name. After she’d made him coffee one morning, and they’d chatted a little on his break about embossed tin paneling and the ceiling rose around the old chandelier in the building’s foyer. He seemed to know a lot about old houses. He’d also begun to tease her, lightly, occasionally, after she’d called him her “Go-to House Prof.”
Usually, during the day, she looked better. Hair brushed, some powder, mascara, and lip gloss on, wearing fresh jeans and a turtleneck and vest, maybe. Stud earrings or tiny hoops. With him around, she’d started to make some effort. Today he’d caught her barefaced, her chest floppy in this dull old shirt.
A coat was draped over his arm, and his clothes, usually well-worn, earnest Carhart, were now anything but, though his button-down was a shade too bright, and his jeans, though clean and ironed, looked unfashionably faded, and she’d hardly call his scuffed boots nice. He smelled a little too strongly, too, of… Acqua di Gio?
Holy hell.
She squeezed the doorknob.
He looked like he was dressed for a date.
With her?
Was that what he thought this was?!
Holy fucking hell. Her armpits were hot.
He’d been scanning what he could see of her with his eyes, trying, it seemed, to read her thoughts in her own appearance.
“My apologies.” He stepped back, crimson coloring his cheeks. “I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I’ll head out.” He smiled again, weakly, and hitched his thumb toward the staircase. “I planned to go see my kid, anyway.”
“Give me just a sec!” She held up a finger and closed the door, though she didn’t click it all the way shut. She grabbed a cardigan off the hat stand and slipped into it. She let down her hair, fluffed it, then re-twisted it tightly, refastening the clip.
Okay. So he thought this was a date of some kind. She could do this. She could let him in, even just fix him a container of potatoes to go, if things were too crazy awkward. She would not come across like some thoughtless, disinterested bitch.
That scent.
Fresh, citrusy.
His square shoulders. Veins running visibly under the freckled skin of his well-shaped forearms. The sensual spiral of a dark tattoo. The softness of his tone.
He also had a suspicious gauntness in his pale face, and not for the first time, she wondered about his private life. Did he use any drugs? Was he a recovered addict? From fentanyl, or something else? Around his eyes and cheekbones, he bore creases and shadows he seemed too young for, and he was a tad on the skinny side. Was she being horribly prejudiced?
But, he wasn’t bad looking.
She’d already admitted that to herself.
No ring on his finger, though Jeez, he had a child; that was a lot.
But he seemed to have his life together.
He was kind.
She dragged in a breath, a hand on her chest, willing everything behind her sternum to soften.
Don’t overthink this. Don’t automatically turn this into something it’s not, or not yet…
He wasn’t holding flowers or a bottle of wine, like a man should if he were coming over for a dinner date. Damn, maybe she was misreading all of it. He might be on his way somewhere else and really just want some food on the run. Maybe he didn’t want to sit down to eat with her, after all. Maybe he’d try to pawn the potatoes she gave him off as his own contribution to someone else’s meal. Maybe this was some elaborate strategy to get away with as little holiday cooking as possible. Wouldn’t that be just like a man?
“Tess?” He called quietly from the other side of the door.
Outside, beneath her window, something shattered on the concrete. Muted voices argued.
Maybe he would just use her.
Was she okay with that possibility?
But maybe he won’t.
She opened the door wider, reappearing before him. “You don’t need to go yet, not if you’re not in a hurry.” She gestured, continuing, “Please, come in. I do definitely have a lot of potatoes. Way more than I can eat.”
Her voice was too shrill, her gesture too big.
“Thank you,” he said softly, moving past her.
Closing the door, she tried to crack a joke. “You’re not actually a sun-tolerant vampire, right? Because if you are, be careful. There’s an eff ton of garlic in these potatoes.”
He was already in the room, looking at the elegant table. He looked back at her. “Too late, you’ve let me in.” His smile was easier now. A little more confident, but still warm and sweet. “I think I can probably handle the garlic.”
The issue of a post-garlic kiss materialized suddenly in the air between them. But, of course, Tess wouldn’t go there.
Josh didn’t, either.
“Oh,” he said instead, digging into the pocket of his coat. “Before I forget, this is for you.”
He handed her a small cellophane bag with a familiar deer logo, tied with a little orange ribbon.
“Nonpareils! I love these!”
“I noticed you eating them the other day.”
She giggled. “I shouldn’t, but they’re irresistible.” She held the little bag to her chest. “My dad used to buy these for me. ‘Chocolate snowcaps,’ he called them. We’d eat them together.”
“Dads are kind of awesome like that.” Now, his smile had a quiet, knowing look.
She nodded. “They are.” Her throat threatened to close.
He tilted his head, regarding her. “You look pretty, Tess.”
The way he said her name, this time. Like it was full on his tongue.
“Your hair is nice,” he continued, “twisted up like that.”
It took every bit of control she had to look him directly in the eyes without her own welling up. “Thank you, Josh. This is so… well, thoughtful.”
She wasn’t sure if she meant the compliment, or the candy, or simply his presence.
A fresh warmth had suffused the room. Tess felt it tingling the tips of her ears and the back of her neck. Even the skin on her arms, beneath her sweater.
Josh waved his hand in casual dismissal, but his bright eyes were larger, more pleased.
“I’m gonna go stash these with my other sweets.” She turned quickly away, stepping into her galley kitchen where he couldn’t see her, taking yet another moment to collect herself. She also rifled quickly through all the drawers.
Maybe she was foolish. But, suddenly, she was so damn grateful she’d set that second spot. It was cringey, sure. It probably looked odd or pathetic or still, somehow, overeager, even though he’d figured out she hadn’t expected him.
But at least now it’s not all so sad.
She had a spot for him, possibly. If he wanted to stay.
“Do you happen to have a lighter?” she asked, returning to the living room.
“I think so.” He dug into his other coat pocket and pulled out a black Bic. “I smoke a cigarette every now and then. Just cigarettes, and I’m trying to quit completely.”
“It’s ok.”
She took the lighter, flicked it, and lit the candle.
“Let me get you some food.” She set the Bic down and picked up his empty dinner plate, adding, “Please, sit down.”
Her feet were buoyant on the wooden floor, and over her shoulder, she flashed Josh what she hoped was a dazzling, flirty smile. The high tug at the corners of her mouth felt tight, but she’d perfected this look a long time ago, and she could get it back again.
It’s been a tough year for many of us, for a lot of reasons.
So, to end on a positive note, I’m offering my own list of favorite bookish things among all the others shared on blogs and social media this time of year. I’ve always found these lists a great way to discover amazing new people and things and to celebrate what we’ve loved.
So, without further ado, here are my favorites:
FAVORITE INDIE AUTHOR: Melinda Copp
Copp writes historical romances set in Belle Epoque France, and among other aspects of her work, I find her choice of setting refreshing. I adored Love and the Downfall of Society and Complications in Paris, where we meet the circle of modern, admirable women on whom the books center.
This novel is a swoony, well-paced, and surprisingly sweet story considering how thorny Vanessa, the main character, is. The novel’s singular, first-person point of view (a departure from Copp’s dual third-person POVs) works well in this one, giving Vanessa, a rising female journalist, a fresh and honest interiority. It allows readers a deeper insight into her feisty personality, and for this reason, I couldn’t dislike her, even though she’s initially selfish and does some cruel things.
She’s an orphan, having lost her entire family when only a teenager, so we understand that her apparent callousness and cold ambition—now also threatened when her newspaper is bought by a rival publication—are a shield behind which she tries to protect herself. So often, she acts out of fear—some of it valid, some of it inflated in her own mind—and it takes a truly good man like Benoit Levin, plus some lovely female friends, to help her open her heart to new vulnerability, wisdom, and deep, surprising love.
Her first kiss with Benoit is magnificent! I love it when the first kiss is done well in a romance (a mediocre one is tough to rebound from), and I find this one an absolute delight! Of course, the book’s title is ironic—it is highly romantic.
The setting is also an especially lush escape. The descriptions of the sea and sky at Cabourg on La Manche (the English Channel) are beautiful, and I particularly enjoyed them as we are resigning ourselves to a cold, early winter here in northern New England.
Benoit might be arguably too perfect, but you know what? Nearly perfect men do exist; I’m married to one. Benoit is a good foil to Vanessa, and he does make the mistake of keeping something important from her, so he’s not totally infallible.
Finally, I appreciate how Copp makes Benoit’s domestic life messy—it forces Vanessa to take an even further step beyond herself when considering a future with this man, and I found that realistic. So many of us have challenging home situations ourselves, and for me, this detail made the book especially relatable.
Copp is finding her stride with these characters and their world, and I can’t wait for her next Belle Epoque title! I hope it’s Catherine’s story; I need to know what precisely is up between her and her almost-stepbrother, Henry. Talk about messy!
FAVORITE BOOK FROM A SMALL PRESS: THESE DARK THINGS
I was so impressed with this anthology of modern gothic short fiction, edited by Jaclyn Baer and Erica-Lynn Huberty and published by Briar Press New York. It’s a strong collection of well-crafted psychological horror, often quiet in tone and approach but bold in themes and effects. For a more thorough look, see my blog review from January.
FAVORITE DEBUT NOVEL: THE HOUSEWARMING by Kristin Offiler
The Housewarming is a strong debut that combines elements of women’s fiction with psychological thriller. Offiler writes well about early motherhood and female friendships, but I especially appreciated her treatment of true crime fandom. It’s a relevant ethical issue, and it made me think twice about my own love for true crime podcasts.
This beachy, summery book is set on Block Island and in Newport, RI, which I have a personal connection to through my husband’s family. In fact, we just spent Thanksgiving in Newport, and as we window shopped, I found myself thinking a lot about the story, which has lingered with me longer than I anticipated.
I try to read at least one classic every year. I love Hardy and hadn’t read anything by him in years, and I gravitated to this title because I now live in the countryside so I thought I’d find his work even more engaging. Plus, I’d seen clips from a movie adaptation staring Cary Mulligan floating around on Instagram, and the story looked beautiful. When I started the novel, though, I was bracing myself for tragedy–Hardy can break your heart like no one else, considering his masterpieces Tess of the D’Urbervilles and Jude the Obscure.
I was surprised and delighted, then, with the joyful, deeply satisfying ending of Madding Crowd. It is a perfect testament to what mature romantic love and marriage is–selfless respect and steadfast partnership, through and through.
Despite being initially rejected, the humble, grounded shepherd Gabriel Oak stands by his former sweetheart and current employer Bathsheba Everdene through hardship and heartbreak. When she is finally free to recognize how much she needs him–how much she loves him, in fact–he is there to return her love openly, and the emotional triumph is well earned for both characters. I found myself in tears, floating on a cloud of elation, as I finished this book, marveling at the universal truth of certain human experiences, no different despite a hundred-plus gap in years.
Then I went and gave my husband a big hug.
Hubby and I at The Nutcracker at Rosecliff in Newport, RI, 11/26
OVERALL FAVORITE NOVEL: MEXICAN GOTHIC by Silvia Moreno-Garcia
Back in July, when I closed Mexican Gothic for good, I felt an immediate pang. Though the story disturbed me, I already missed it. It had wormed its way so gorgeously and insidiously into my imagination that it hurt to think there wasn’t another chapter to devour, another act to get gorgeously, frightfully tangled up in. That there was nothing new to contemplate.
If you are a fan of gothic fiction and haven’t yet read this contemporary masterpiece of the genre, please do so right away. Author Silvia Moreno-Garcia does absolutely “get it right,” as the Telegraph claims in the opening testimonials in my print copy.
Everything is there—the driving arch plot of a single, modern, stubborn heroine out to defeat a seductive, all-consuming, patriarchal evil, even as she proves to herself her own depth and mettle. The enormous, isolated old house is perfectly neglected and rotting from within yet very much alive and grasping. The Doyle family is everything you can ask for in an antagonistic gothic clan—insular, incestuous, despairing in some cases, and depraved in others.
The style and plot develop beautifully in the author’s pacing, beginning with a creepy setting and that odd, creepy family shackled to the past. It develops in small, deceptively simple details here and there to suggest all is not right, despite the protagonist Noemi’s rational worldview. It builds in the surreal, fragmented, nightmarish dreams she begins to suffer, and finally drives the reader relentlessly through crises and a climax of literal events harrowing and developed enough to reveal that terrible potential fate worse than death. The ending, thus, if not entirely surprising, is fully cathartic, especially as love and perseverance win the day.
Yet, brilliantly, Moreno-Garcia does not end this tale with unqualified optimism. There are fears planted in the main characters, foreboding seeds of doubt which suggest the thematic question, can one ever truly recover from trauma? Can one ever escape their nature, whether that nature is real and inherent or a misperception of the victim’s, ripe enough for a self-fulfilling prophecy? It is a resolution left open just enough to leave room for some doubt, providing readers with a final, meditative shiver. It is also a resolution that pays respect to the depth and complexity of traumatic experience and how it might ultimately impact victims.
Essentially, that’s what this novel is about, in my opinion—trauma. Specifically, the trauma of domestic captivity, for both women and men. For the female characters, that suffering manifests especially as sexual abuse by a sadistic patriarch (without being too difficult and graphic to read), supported by the terrible compliance of the matriarch. That is the essential horror—a real life one, tragically—that firmly roots this fantastic, speculative tale into our everyday world and makes it so terribly compelling and real.
So there you have it–my favorites. Thanks for reading! I’m planning to take a break from all writing, basically, but I’ll be back here on WordPress in January.
Thank you, too, to anyone who visits this site regularly. I’ve enjoyed sharing my thoughts, hopes, joys, and struggles with you, and I hope you’ll come back for more, even if it’s just the occasional scan.
Happy holidays! Have a wonderful, restful break doing all the things you love with friends and family. All my best wishes to you.
Daphne wishes you a happy holidays, too!
I hope we can end this year with a measure of peace and joy as we brace for another, which will no doubt include its share of political chaos and general uncertainty. I plan, however, to continue leaning into all the people and things I love and being grateful for what I have. Thank you for being part of that.
When the second, and final, transformation occurred, Muir’s arms were smeared in blood past his elbows.
Toiling in Lord Aitken’s scullery, he gripped the buck’s hindquarter with his feeble left hand and sawed the flattened blade of the skinning knife down the inside of its leg toward the gutting incision with his equally afflicted right, careful to keep the blade between the skin and muscle. Releasing the animal, he began to pull its skin away with his free hand, using the knife to carefully separate the connective tissue where it clung. The tawny fur did not give way easily.
Muir’s stringy muscles strained at the effort. His breath grew ragged, and sweat slicked the fleshed parts of him, for he was still mostly a wretched man. Of this exertion, he was not conscious; his body labored in motor memory. He felt, however, the fullness of his throat—inside, still very human despite his goat’s brow—though he’d done such butchery a hundred times.
Already gutted, the deer’s fur remained even and unblemished; it bore on its head only four points. It had been a young animal, and the destruction made Muir ache, an internal throb that matched the rhythm of his efforts. The dressing and skinning always felt like a sin, so he had laid the deer out on a worktable rather than hang it from a hook, though that made the awful chore more difficult. He did not care.
As he skinned the creature, he grunted a quiet prayer in Latin.
“Gratias tibi ago, Domine, pro hac largitate. Non vastare.”
Thank you, Lord, for this bounty. It will not go to waste.
Though a priest would have condemned it as heresy, he added in Gaelic, “Tapadh leibh, Cernunnos; tapadh leat, Danu, airson an tiodhlac seo dhut fhèin. Bidh mi ag ath-aithris, cha tèid e gu sgudal.”
I repeat, it will not go to waste.
When the hide finally came free, he laid it aside; the fur would line some new garment to keep someone warm. Sill gripping the knife, he paused to stroke the animal’s cold head and plush ear, its glassy eye unresponsive. Meat now. Carnes. Only empty meat.
No, not empty. From it, other tangible things would come.
Indeed, nothing would go to waste. He thought it again for the thousandth time, and it was as precious and necessary as a prayer bead.
He’d said it first when, ten years ago, he’d suffered the initial curse, that great crucible of his life. That vow had kept him moving forward, enabling him to assist Elspeth.
Elspeth.
She was his redemption here on earth.
He must remain in her house. With her, near her.
He could not bear their parting. That would be the true damnation.
While Alistair had chosen another—blind fool that he still was—Muir was not so confident another man wouldn’t eventually recognize Elspeth’s beauty and great worth, beyond jewels indeed. She would likely marry this man and leave her father’s house.
Leave him.
Or, perhaps, she would take Muir with her. As a devoted servant. And he’d have to witness another man put his arms around her, watch her belly swell with children not his own…
He set the knife down and leaned his palms flat on the worktable. He tried to breathe through his nausea as he gazed at a hand. Muir’s hands, seared in boils and crimson as the deer’s blood, red as a blood moon. Though Elspeth never once shrank from them, they were hands that could not hold her.
He closed his eyes.
A sensation washed through him, like warm seawater. Soothing but ancient and rife with power…
***
This year, I’ve concentrated on developing effective scene structure, and the following photos show the self-edits/reflections and highlights for structure I’ve already completed on these two pages.
Basically, I analyzed what I had to ensure everything required for a complete scene was there:
a clear protagonist & antagonist with conflicting desires (more subtle in this case because it is the persevering Muir vs. his despairing self)
the five commandments of storytelling (inciting incident of scene, progressive complications, crisis, climax, & resolution)
a definitive change where someone “wins” the scene (in this case, despairing Muir wins)
(The above criteria comes from Tim Grahl and is a condensed version of what Shawn Coyne teaches in his craft book The Story Grid).
This scene, which sets up the entire novelette, is very much a working draft. I find it interesting that a visual scan reveals over half of it is spent grounding readers in character, setting, and tone before the inciting incident occurs. This might suggest there’s too much grounding, given the proportions between that and the storytelling commandments.
I need to step away from the entire work, for now, and eventually have a reliable critique partner or editor look at all of it for me, especially if I want to do anything with it.
And, oh god, I’ll have to find people to edit the Latin and Gaelic. Why did I do that to myself?!
But, I hope the scene’s on its way to hooking, orienting, and intriguing you.
Thank you for letting me share it with you. Have a wonderful weekend!
Last year, I discovered how awesome it felt to have an artist illustrate a picture for my work.
Artist and writer Sybil Wainwright created the above for my feminist ghost story “Hello, Dear,” published by Amaranth in September of last year. I love how she chose sepia tones to mimic the look of an old photograph.
Artist Khareese Orr created this one for “So Many Fragile Things,” a Christmas horror story with dark fantasy elements, published by Amaranth in December. The crack in the glass suggesting a hand seizing the house is perfect. I also appreciate the little images inside the holly berries.
This year, no one is commissioning work for any of my pieces. It’s looking like I’ll end 2025 with only one story published, though I believe I’ve improved in my craft. That’s how it goes sometimes, I suppose.
I decided, however, on whims of rebellion and self-love, that I would commission something for myself. Why not?
I was also curious about how that process worked. How does the writer communicate their vision to the artist? What are the details of a contract? What does the creative process look like? Commissioning book art, especially cover work, is a key piece of self-publishing, which is something I’d like to learn more about.
So, after being taken by the beauty of Marta Into the Forest’s gorgeous, gothic-y medieval creations, I reached out to her via Substack.
Here’s a small sample of the work she’s shared there:
Samples of internal book art
Titled “The Blood Rings,” ominously beautiful. There’s a definite narrative here, probably a commission from a writer.
Holy hell, look at this gorgeous end paper… hauntingly impressionistic. Done for author K.M. Davidson’s book “Sundered Heavens”
Marta was warm and quick in her response. She had openings starting in October, so on the first of the spooky month, I sent her a short description of my vision for an internal art design inspired by “Elspeth and the Fairy.” I relayed how the character was a fairy with pointy ears and long dark hair, but her ears didn’t have to show. I visualized her holding a daffodil (significant to the story) and wearing a gown of woven leaves, as she’s described in the tale. I explained she is beautiful but haughty and antagonistic. I also said I would defer to Marta as the artist–whatever she thought would look best, I was game to see.
I paid the fee–a very reasonable one–upfront and signed the contract with Marta. I agreed to limited rights, allowing Marta to retain the image for her own portfolio and marketing purposes, basically, and she got started. She sent me samples of her work-in-progress for feedback along the way (as outlined in the contract), and they were like little pop-up treats for my in-box.
If you’re not familiar with the term, an internal art design is a small sketch or symbol found inside the pages of a novel or story collection/anthology, often at the top of a chapter or above a section break within a chapter or story. It adds a little flair to the book’s format, an additional little aesthetic appeal.
Marta worked fast, finishing my commission in about two weeks. So, without further ado, here it is…
Cue drumroll…
Image by @marta.intotheforest
Isn’t she gorgeous?! She is Lady Rowan, a fairy guardian of early spring and antagonist to Elspeth in my fairy tale, published in Spellbound in September of this year.
I left a fair amount up to Marta, and I love how she chose not to show Rowan’s face. This is common in book and especially cover art, as I understand it, the idea being that readers get to envision the exact look or beauty of the character in their own minds. It’s arguably more universally appealing, and I can understand that notion.
Happily, this image works well not only for “Elspeth and the Fairy” but even better for the fictional piece I just completed, a novelette and sequel to “Elspeth” in which Rowan makes a brief appearance at the very end.
Again, if you’re not familiar with the term, a novelette is a fictional work longer than a typical short story but shorter than a novella. It ranges in word count from 7,500 to 17,500 words.
I wrote my 12.5 k sequel, quite simply, because I just wasn’t ready to be done with the story’s world. In fact, I started it the day after Spellbound was released.
I was intrigued by the idea of writing another version of the same ending, from a different character’s perspective. How could I flesh him out? What were things like through his eyes? How precisely did he feel? What exactly did he grapple with, and how did he change? How could I develop the love story itself, unfettered by word count and completely free for me to write exactly what I wanted to?
I call this piece (more a historical fantasy romance than a fairy tale) a sequel because it does extend the story a little way beyond the first tale’s end, but really it might just be a companion piece.
And you know what? Writing it was deeply satisfying.
In fact, it turned into my unexpected passion project for the year.
I did not write it with an eye toward publication (though now I’m considering what I could do with it on my own terms), and that proved meaningful because it reminded me why I devote most of my free time to this fiction thing in the first place.
I do it because I love challenging my imagination through the medium of language. I love the act of writing itself, regardless of the outcome.
It is, first and foremost, my ultimate act of self-care.
I’m no longer a working professional strategizing and problem-solving on a daily basis. So, writing keeps my mind sharp and my creativity nourished. It allows me a healthy escape and even a way to manage difficult emotions. It gives me a purpose beyond my domestic life and even something toward which to aspire (as long as I remain firmly rooted in its primary purpose). When I’m in that delicious flow state, it gives me a way to transcend myself, even when I’m writing utter dog crap.
It’s magic, in short. And not just magic in the metaphorical sense but in the literal, if we define magic as “the practice of moving natural energies to effect needed change… a tool to improve ourselves and the world in which we live” (Scott Cunningham, from Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner).
My new novelette does have a working title, but I don’t want to include it here in case anyone reading this post hasn’t read “Elspeth and the Fairy;” I don’t want to give too much away.
I will share a blurb for it, however:
A curse breaks.
A second chance reigns.
A first chance aspires to love.
For ten years following a witch’s spell, the mysterious Muir has labored as a wretched half-man, half-goat in the scullery of a minor lord, his true identity unknown. Only a maiden of the household, the brave and sympathetic Lady Elspeth, has shown him protection and care. In return, he has done his best to guide her on her quest to save the man she adores, the afflicted Lord Alistair, heir presumptive, from the fairies wreaking havoc in a kingdom without a monarch.
Now, having proven victorious in her trial, Elspeth has not only saved Alistair but someone else… And Muir, restored to his former glory, is now free to pursue all that’s his, including his beloved Beth.
But first, he must find her while wrestling deep, new shadows in the dark heart of the forest. Can he reach his maiden in time, even as he confronts his greatest failures? And if he finds her, will she even want him?
Can he prove himself worthy of her?
This blurb is definitely a draft and little cringey, but hey, it’s early. Thanks for letting me share it with you! If I can work up the courage, I might share the very first scene of Chapter One in a new post tomorrow.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this one full of beautiful images. And I hope your November is going well. Thank goodness the government has reopened…
To wrap up, here are the latest additions to my list of things I’m thankful for, each one inspired by the goings on of that particular day. This list covers Nov 8 through today, Nov 13:
8. A sweet daughter who still loves spending her Saturday with Mom and Dad
9. Morning cuddles in bed with coffee while the first snow falls outside our witch’s window
10. Doing housework leisurely while T Swift sings through my earbuds (I’m currently obsessed with the acoustic version of her new song “The Fate of Ophelia”)
11. Wonderful mother-in-laws who spoil our kiddo with things like hot air balloon windsocks just because Daphne took a fancy to these particular aerial vehicles. Happy birthday, Julie! Cary, we love you too!
12. A long To-Be-Read (TBR) list and being able to swap book recs with my own amazing mama. I just got her to read Mexican Gothic.
13. A husband who knows how to buy me THE. PERFECT. XMAS. GIFT: A Nov 26th performance of The Nutcracker by the Newport Contemporary Ballet, done in one of the Gilded Age Newport RI Mansions, Rosecliff (where parts of the Robert Redford Great Gatsby were shot). Apparently, the audience will walk room-to-room for the first act and then enjoy the second act in the grand ballroom. I *cannot wait* for the Sugar Plum’s grand pas de deux under those chandeliers!!!
Thank you for reading. Do you have any news? Anything you’re particularly grateful for? Or any insight into commissioning artwork, if you’re an author?
Feel free to pop anything in the comments.
See you tomorrow, maybe. Next week, for sure.
XOXO,
Jenn
Download a free e-version of Spellbound to read “Elspeth and the Fairy,” which has the privilege of opening this collection of fantasy/magic stories.
Jennifer Shaw 