Jennifer Shaw

A writer's musings in the mountains

  • A King’s Epilogue: Chapter Five

    This piece is a companion novelette to Elspeth and the Fairy. You can read a little about this story’s context here.

    You can also find the previous chapters here: Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, & Chapter Four

    Part II: IN THE FOREST

    Photo by Tanya Barrow on Unsplash

    Chapter Five

    … Viginti.

    When Ian reached twenty, the air over the monster’s carcass swirled. Like a terrible dark eddy it twisted, faster and tighter, sucking away at him. He stood up against it, pressing his heels back to ground himself. He mouthed another prayer as he lifted Saltire.

    Just as the whirlpool sucked the air from his exhausted lungs, the eddy let go. It burst into an explosion of orange light, the brightness piercing his vision, stinging his wounded eye. Through frantic blinks, Ian saw the light crackle and shimmer. It softened into pale white, falling like lightning-snow, and when it had dissolved just above the dark ground, a figure stood in its place, illuminated. The monster’s remains had vanished. 

    The figure’s brightness did not sear his vision, and Ian looked fully upon Aine, High Queen of the Fairies.

    “Put that away, wretch,” she said, nodding at his sword, her pearlescent hands folded low in front of her. Unlike his encounter with her a decade ago, she did not tower over him. They stood now eye level with each other.

    He sheathed his sword.

    “Bow,” she said.

    “I will not.” His voice was calm. “Where is Elspeth?”

    “She is unharmed. I am many things, but I am not unprincipled. She has done nothing to incite my wrath.”

    “Where is she?” An edge crept into his voice.

    Though aged—and fairies were slow to show their ages, so Aine must be ancient—the fairy queen was resplendent as ever. A long, shadowy gown of moss and fern draped her frame, the bodice lined with leaves of deep reds and oranges, nestled between bundles of coneflower, columbine, bluebell, and butterfly weed. Woven into her gauzy, snow-white hair, piled high on her head, were iced holly and fir sprigs as well as spiral, fan, and conical seashells. A thin necklace of periwinkle shells graced her neck, and earbobs of small blossoms swung from her lobes. Behind her rose immense, sparkling wings.

    A veritable personification of seasons and elements was she, exuding as much quiet strength as ever, despite the thin tendons from which her skin hung on her neck, forming a dark hollow beneath her chin. Her argent complexion brought Fiona’s own to mind, and Ian wondered, for an odd, fleeting moment, about the sisters’ maternal lineage.

    Aine’s face belied much of her elderly beauty, however; it was sunken and skeletal, with hard, thin lines etched into her forehead and around her eyes and mouth.

    Time itself must have wrought such wear. Ages of her own burdens and miseries.

    Were it not for this evidence of strife, and her bitterness and cruelty, she might be judged an angel of the earth.    

    The fae queen tilted her head just slightly, a corner of her solemn mouth lifting. “How awfully you would like to know where your fair maiden is.”

    “Tell me!”

    Head straightening, she said, “She is in another time. Or rather, you are.”

    “Why do you keep me from her? Why summon these horrors to impede me?” His voice was a blade, and he struggled to control it. “Do you believe you add, somehow, to your victory, or do you merely spoil mine?”

    “Need you ask, you prideful pathetic man?” She scowled at him. “Did I bother to ask your father or grandfather that same question when they sent their priests and soldiers against my own, butchering and driving out all the fae they could not capture or burn? Do you still not comprehend the agonies you all have caused?” Her livid eyes blackened. “Do not you know how it brings me the greatest pleasure to see you writhe in all your just deserts?”

    “I forbade my people from harming yours. You know this.”

    “Was it enough?” Her voice rose. “How could you not realize that, soon as you stepped foot beyond your lands in your ridiculous crusade,” she spat the last word, “your people, in all their insecurities, their terrible, frightful dogma, would begin again to harass mine? Did you care to stay and tend that fragile peace?”

    His chest froze.

    “No,” she continued, taunting. “You grew bored, and in your hubris you sought beyond your mandate. And in your great lust—” she snickered—”for that wily woman Sithia, you forgot even your idiotic mission. You are a terrible king. I only show you the truth.”

    “Why did you banish me from my own people, then?” he cried. “How did that help yours? No, you were out to make your own conquest!”

    “Idiot man, you banished yourself! When you languished in that witch’s cottage, enjoying all your carnal pleasures, you allowed her to entrap you. It was her spell, not mine. I saved you. With those trials, I gave you a way out.” She stabbed a finger into her chest, crushing a blossom.

    Her words pierced him. Hotter, sharper than anything that monster might have done. His spirit bled.

    He could only say, after an agonized pause, “And, I was punished. An epic punishment worthy of Job, and I have been humbled; I have repented. Do you truly believe I am the same man now?”

    The fairies had certain odd powers, among them a degree of prescience and even omniscience. It was said the most powerful among them could gaze within a man or woman, reading their deepest secret thoughts. Of course, Aine must know his mind. Yet, for her, his penitence was not enough.     

    When she did not answer, Ian nodded. “Alright. I will ask you something simpler. What did Elspeth do to break the curse?”

    “What if I lie to you?”

    “I trust you will not.”

    She tilted her head downward, studying him.

    “Tell me,” he pressed. “What happened?”

    “When she disturbed that daffodil, it brought her to a young guardian of mine,” Aine began. “This foolish fae believed she understood Elspeth perfectly. That she could tempt her into her own demise, thus breaking Elspeth’s progress in my test.

    But that guardian, called Rowan, was arrogant and naïve; she could not see deeply enough into the girl’s truest desires.” The fae queen swallowed, her hollow throat quivering. “The wound of losing Alistair, though deep enough to bleed, did not prove fatal to Elspeth’s soul.”

    “Yes, yes, I know most of this.” Anger stained his words. “You know I know it.” Even now, Aine obstructed him.

    Yet, understanding, and fresh hope, shimmered before him. He needed it confirmed. “She suffered in her surrender of Alistair’s love, but what precisely came next?” he asked. “What was the third proof of her virtue?”

    His heart fluttered.

    “Rowan—stupid thing—made her another offer: to trade faces with her sister, Fiona, at the cost of nothing to her own kind even as it secured Alistair’s affection.” Aine spit, and it was almost amusing, it was so human. “That was not temptation enough.”

    Ian’s chest rose and fell. His heart was a bird batting mad wings against the cage of his breast. “Why not?”

    The fae queen sealed her lips.

    “Tell me!” He lunged forward, going for his sword.

    Aine looked away.

    Something dawned on Ian.

    “You didn’t foresee it either, did you?”

    She pressed her lips together.

    “You can read minds, but not hearts.”

    She cast a wary eye at him.

    “That power belongs to God alone, does it not?”

    “To the gods,” Aine corrected him. “All of them.”

    The bird’s wings beat harder.

    “What could you surmise, then, when Elspeth refused this young fae’s final offer?”

    Again, Aine was mute.

    “SPEAK!”

    “In her mind, she thought of you.”

    He could hardly form the question. “How so?”

    “She thought of your words. What you might say to her if she made the wrong choice. Your moral disapproval.” The fairy lifted her chin, as though to retain a certain pride. “You had become the voice of her conscience, and she did not want to lose you.”

    The bird—a bluebird—burst forth from Ian’s chest.

    “She chose me over him?”

    A beat of silence. Heavy, grudging.

    “She did.”

    Losing all breath, he reeled yet again. Stepping back, he leaned forward. Rested his weight on his sword. His throat sealed, and he resisted the impulse to squeeze his burning eyes shut.

    Let them fall.

    His tears ran.

    Let yourself be.

    Sobs coursed through him. A catharsis now, of all the silent anguish that had churned, trapped, within him for too long. It was like being bled by a physician, only now a torrential hemorrhage of those darkest humors which, having never moved past his lips, had stayed in his body to sicken and torment him.

    Torment.

    A new image came into his mind, unbidden. It did not feel like the psychic manipulation of this bitter queen but rather a product of his own free thoughts. Or perhaps, his heart.

    A female figure, in a dark dungeon, her upper body obscured by shadow. He could see, however, bruises and dried blood marring her white legs, rusted chains cuffed to swollen ankles. Feel the trembles of her body and hear the low sound of her weeping. The silhouette of only one remaining wing.

    “This is what undoes you?” Aine taunted.

    Ian’s sobs had washed his spirit clean. Now, a deep, aching echo replaced them.

    At last, he said, “Not undone.”

    The outpouring had chafed his throat, but his voice was steady. He straightened his posture but did not swipe his sticky cheeks. While he held the image of Elspeth’s face ever dearer, it was now this young fae, Rowan, who took hold of his heart.

    “What has become of that guardian?”

    “Why do you care?”

    “I need to know.”

    “She is being punished.”

    “She suffers?”

    “Of course.”

    In the cage of his chest, the wretched fairy tore at him.  

    “Release her, Aine,” he said.

    “Why?” She cut her eyes at him. “I do not understand this preoccupation. She is not one of yours. Your subjects have won.”

    Ian could not revel in the concession.

    “Because I can feel her,” he said. “I understand her remorse. I understand her suffering.”

    It was a fresh, desperate bleed in him now, almost as desperate as his fight against the monster or his passion for Elspeth.

    “I understand her frailty.”

    The fairy queen’s eyes came alive. A light brightened her ancient face.

    “Please, Queen Aine.” King Ian lowered himself onto one knee, letting go of his sword to lay a palm on his chest. “I beseech you to soften.

    She tried again: “I don’t under—”

    “You don’t need to,” he said, “I only ask you to listen. My pain for her is real. This… empathy is real.” He dropped his head. “I humble myself before you as I implore mercy for her.”

    He could feel the fae queen staring hard at him. Assessing, scanning deep into his mind.

    “This fae—Rowan?—she is God’s creature, too,” he said.

    “Do you want her to convert her?” she asked. “Do you want her soul?”

    He shook his head. “You misunderstand me. She remains your subject, and a worshiper of her gods. I only want her suffering to end.”

    A minute passed in silence.

    “What will you give me?”

    Ian laughed, a harsh sound; he could not help it. “An exchange. Always an exchange.” He lifted his head as he stood. “Perhaps that is the real difference now between you and me. Now, I am ready to give freely. But, I will play this game with you.”

    “What will it be?” Her features grew impassive again.

    “A renewed promise of peace. No molestations of any kind from my people. And—” his mind worked. “All the peripheries of my kingdom. This forest, the northern mountains, the eastern and southern moors. I will return them all to you. The fae folk need not hide below ground any longer.”

    “What of the farmers and soldiers who reside there?”

    “I will relocate and compensate them well. It will be my first act as king again, and I will be clear and honest in my justifications for it.”

    She pursed her lips. “Will you swear an oath?”

    “I will.”

    “On what?”  

    Soaring still on this new crest of hope, he did not need to think.

    “On the strength of my love for Elspeth.”

    He added, after only the briefest moment, “And her love for me.”

    The fairy queen’s mouth trembled. She broke into a wide smirk, which erupted into a cackle.

    “Done!” She clapped her liver-spotted hands. “So will it be! You will leave my subjects in peace as you give them back these territories. In return, I will heal and release the guardian Rowan and let your own people alone—on the condition that Elspeth loves you as deeply as you love her.” Aine’s brows stretched toward her wispy hairline. “That she loves you, Ian—not Muir. And it must be immediate.”

    His stomach clenched. “Meaning…?”

    “When I allow you to approach her at the top of this hill where she stands, reflecting, she must love you as soon as she knows who you are. You have only those first moments. If her feelings be any less than the deepest, most ardent love, I will slow Rowan’s torture, and our animosities will continue.” Ever the bitter old matriarch, she added, “Indefinitely.”

    Oh, Deus. Carissime Deus…

    Dearest God…

    He had not foreseen this.

    Queen Aine cackled again. Her shoulders shook; she buried her mouth under her wrinkled hands. Squeezed her eyes shut in the ecstasy of her mirth.

    And vanished.

    ***

    Thanks for reading!

    XOXO,

    Jenn

  • A King’s Epilogue: Chapter Four

    This piece is a companion novelette to Elspeth and the Fairy. You can read a little about this story’s context here.

    You can also find Chapter One here, Chapter Two here, and Chapter Three here.

    Part II: IN THE FOREST

    Photo by Taylor Wright on Unsplash

    Chapter Four

    This cannot be…

    Ian lifted his head, chest tight. Nearby, the horse’s hooves struck the ground, his whinnies and snorts frantic.

    I have not been riding all day… Surely not…

    I have always prayed. Tried to serve You. I have always tried my best…

    …But I am just a wretched thing.

    Breath straining and steaming, and utterly blind, King Ian let go of the beech and allowed himself to scream.

    It was either that—and invite the full wrath of whatever lay before him—or bungle his way back down in the darkness, conceding to Aine, to God, to the brutality of existence itself. To all the powers destroying or abandoning him.

    Not again.

    He would not let this chance go to waste.   

    “Satis!” he screamed.

    Then, in Gaelic:

    “Gu leòr!”

    Enough!

    His fury ricocheted off the trees.

     “I summon you, Aine of the Fairies! Appear before me now!”

    Black silence.  

    But then, the darkness moved. Sections of animated shadow. 

    It hissed.

    Low, prolonged, filling the air.

    Like an enormous, bitter snake. Except this was no snake—its bulk seemed far too vast. Beneath it scuttled what sounded like a hundred tiny, tapping points. Like the tap of that woodpecker but faster, furiously multiplied—the sounds bored a thousand minuscule holes straight into his skull.

    There had not been monsters in these forests for many years. Not since before his coronation. When he’d inherited the crown, they’d all disappeared. It was yet another sign, his subjects said, that he was anointed by God.

    Now, something was back.

    Ruadh gave a final, high-pitched cry. Then, the stallion thundered away, striking back toward what Ian hoped was home. 

    A sharp breeze cut his cheek.

    He stumbled back, pulling out Saltire. He thrust the sword in front of him—left, right, left again, his blade striking nothing. He shoved it low in front—only air. The enormous thing scuttled back, its hiss magnifying. A whizzing sound screeched in his ears as something clanged against his blade, nearly dislodging it from his grasp. His wrists throbbed. Breezes cut across his eyes and nose. Pulling back, he lost his balance and fell, still holding fast to his hilt.

    A hair closer and that strike would have been lethal, but he was on the ground.

    He scrambled backward. His shoulders and tailbone rammed into heaving tree roots, and dull pain radiated up through him. Gritting teeth, he sprang low onto the balls of his feet, darting around the wide trunk, groping as he positioned himself behind this makeshift barrier. Shooting a hand up, he caught a low branch.

    In an iron hold, he heaved himself up. Clambering like a frenzied bear, up he tore, groping, pulling, fighting for footing. Climbing was almost impossible while grasping Saltire, but he held fast to his weapon, using his right arm as a hook, his left fist grasping and pulling, muscles blazing. Slipping, fighting for toeholds again, more blind instinct than strategy. His chainmail scratched against the bark, exposed flesh scraping, bloodying. His bare head struck the branches above him.

    A branch snapped in his grasp, showering him with bits of wood as he swayed back, tumbling into the darkness. But he managed to hook his sword arm over a limb, and he dangled for a moment, blinking against the sting of a splinter lodged in his eyelid.

    Lungs flaming, he reached higher with his free hand as he flattened his boots against the trunk, pushing against it, pushing upward. His desperate fingers found a sturdier, thicker branch almost too high to grasp, but somehow he hauled himself up. A single hot tear slid into his damp beard.  

    The thing was at the base of the tree, swiping, slicing branches, it sounded like, hissing and mewling—in frustration? Perhaps it could not see either, blind as it was acting. Buoyed by this suspicion, Ian continued to clamber as high as he could go.

    The tree seared his frenzied hand and arms, but the heat galvanized him.

    Does this feel like God to you?

    It does.

    “Deus meus, omnem fidem meam in te pono,” he rasped.

    My God, all my faith I place in Thee.

    At these words, whatever malevolence hovering over the earth parted—only clouds?—and a mass of stars spilled across the sky. Tiny, perfect pricks of light, displaced only by the brilliant silver moon.

    The firmament gave just enough light for Ian to make out the full extent of the vast thing beneath him. It was vaguely arachnid—sweetest Jesus, Mary, and Joseph how he hated spiders—the thousand tapping things the tips of several sharp, spiderlike legs. Its enormous, round girth appeared spiky.  

    It tipped its tiny, shoulder-less head up at Ian, sickly-yellow eyes blazing. Through parted white fangs it screamed, a sound moist and bloody. Its razorlike legs—dozens of them—swiped away in a fresh burst of fury.

    Branches and limbs crashed down. The thing was dismembering the tree, cutting away all of Ian’s footholds.

    But by now, Ian was far above it, straddling a high, sturdy limb, fighting to draw full breath. He was alert enough to recognize something in the thing’s eyes. The glowing irises weren’t round like a man’s.

    They were horizontal slashes, goatlike.

    Like Muir’s.     

    “Enough!” Ian screamed at the thing.

    He pulled his dangling legs up. His boot soles met the branch he straddled, and he hauled himself up to stand. He turned his sword down, knuckles bloodless in a knife-grip, and bent his knees.

    Hesitation suckled only once at his heart.

    He leapt, pushing his free hand hard against the tree.

    The fall was almost too fast to sense, though he collided with a few spindly branches. He landed hard on his knees, behind the thing’s eyes. Lashing out, he gripped a long black follicle that cut his left hand. He plunged Saltire hard into the thing’s upper back. It was like stabbing an enormous gourd; his shoulder keened.

    The spiderlike creature bucked him, repeatedly, but he held fast to its hair and his hilt. He managed to get closer to the follicle, where he gripped it between his powerful thighs. Then, two-handed, he wrenched out his sword and plunged it down again, deeper, into the thing’s head, feeling as though he tore his own muscles.  

    He managed to stab the monster, again and again, though it whipped his body side to side, rattling his brain inside his cursed skull.

    Damn thu! Damn thu!

    The mantra channeled his strength and propelled his movements.

    Damn thu dìreach gu Ifrinn!

    Damn you straight to Hell!

    The creature flung him loose. He hit the cold, black ground on his shoulder, his neck on fire, yet still he held his sword. Scrambling up, he charged the thing, Saltire ready.

    He would die here, now. Trying.

    He would rather lose his life than prove ever unworthy of his realm and the magnificent woman he loved.

    Airson Elspeth.

    For her.

    The enormous arachnid overtook him, a black tidal wave. But Saltire cut before him.

    Even as the thing suffocated him… even as a searing mucus soaked him, King Ian plunged in his sword. He fought with a passion rivaling anything he’d yet to feel, grinding his teeth down, transcending his own weak, wounded flesh on an endless lightning of surreal energy.

    The enormous monster, far less effectual in such close proximity to the tiny, warring king, slowed. Then, it stilled.

    Choking on the acid burning inside his throat, Ian ripped Saltire from the monster one final time.

    He stumbled back, out of its bulk, gasping for air. He was covered in the thing’s blood. It smelled like fluids from Muir’s boils, each time one had burst.

    The stink of rot.

    Ian was drenched in it. But it was not his.  

    A new potency, felt first in Aitken’s scullery as that single powerful pluck, now magnified into a concert of a thousand swelling strings, more epic than the screams of Ian’s muscles.

    The king lowered himself to his knees before the destruction, his lungs gulping filthy air. He held Saltire like a staff, hands clasped over the hilt, its tip to the earth. He lifted his chin, feeling above the sticky film on his face the coolness, the permanence, of Heaven.  

    “Queen Aine! I compel you! Cease this frivolity!” he cried when he could draw a calmer breath. “Appear before me now!”

    He waited, counting in Latin.

    He did not wait long.

    ***

    Thanks for reading!

    You can find Chapter Five here.

    XOXO,

    Jenn

  • A King’s Epilogue: Chapter Three

    This piece is a companion novelette to Elspeth and the Fairy. If you missed my May 13th post, you can read a little about this story’s context here.

    You can also find Chapter One here and Chapter Two here.

    Part II: IN THE FOREST

    Photo by Degleex Ganzorig on Unsplash

    Chapter Three

    Ruadh’s red head bobbed as the stallion plodded upward. Occasionally, his ears flicked sideways.

    Ian wanted to shriek in his desire to hurry the beast, but the path up was too narrow and cluttered with rocks and fallen branches. The horse did not have the agility for anything faster, and Ian could not afford a stumble, so he kept his heels still in the stirrups, letting the horse set his own pace. Leaves brushed against them and twigs caught on the king’s sleeves, as though the forest wished to slow them further.

    Hundreds of towering trunks, from thick massive firs to spindly white birches, rose from the tangled depths of fern, weed, and scrappy sapling, deep as Ian’s eyes could see. They pressed up and over him on both sides, threatening to swallow him. Only the narrow path cut a clear line ahead. The scene was dim as it always was in the primeval forest, though sunlight pierced larger gaps in the backlit canopy, full now with tender new leaves. Chipmunks, rabbits, and even a doe, flashes of fur, bounded away at the sound of Ruadh’s hooves. A squirrel shot up a tree.

    They were right to distrust him.

    Few birds made any sound, only a woodpecker somewhere high and hidden, tapping relentlessly. The sound chipped away at Ian’s skull.    

    A lump of iron filled his gut. He’d been about to abandon his subjects without any real instruction. What if Alistair had not been there to question him?

    Truly, what sort of monarch was he?

    First, one who had proven too proud. Who’d invited chaos into his realm in the wake of his hubris and desertion, when he’d set out on his spiritual crusade ten years ago. He’d left in the hope of converting more souls and bringing them into his lands. But, early in his prideful journey, he had encountered the High Fairy Queen Aine, who led him to the shape-shifting witch, Sithia. It was that wicked she-demon who had seduced Ian into carelessness and complacency, then cast on him a monstrous spell, condemning him to live as a wretched half-man, half-goat, thus separating him from his duties and subjects for all time, as he’d feared.   

    Young Elspeth, not knowing who he truly was, had been the only one willing to shelter him. Without the magic of her sacrifice years later, bargaining as she had with the meddling fairies for Alistair’s sanity in place of his love for her—thus buying the kingdom confidence once more in its presumed ruler-to-be, and thus stability—Ian’s lands might now be under the malicious influence of the fairies, or the fist of the ambitious Thane of Urquhart, whom Ian would have to deal with soon. Or both.

    It had been too close. And it was all his fault.

    Now, was he a king who still could not think straight? Who was too feverish with love to lead?

    Though Elspeth, his devoted advocate for years, had likely broken his curse, was he too wrapped up in her? Ought he to have stayed behind and awaited her return while he tended to practical matters?

    Did he deserve this restoration?

    He was different, true. He was not that younger, foolish man who’d abandoned his subjects in a greedy crusade costumed as piety. He had since learned failure, hardship, humility.

    Yet, just now, he’d left them again.

    But the thought of placing Elspeth second twisted his heart. The kingdom had hobbled along, often well enough, without him for years; it could wait a little while longer.

    Couldn’t it?

    When the sun shone overhead, and the shadows were at their leanest, the horse’s easy rhythm lulled Ian. His head grew heavy.

    His thoughts drifted back to Elspeth as a child. The first time she’d placed her smooth little hand in his chafed one, she’d been eleven or twelve. The gesture had been so sweet that Muir had almost yanked his hand away, afraid it was a trick. No one had touched him since he’d lain with that seductress, Sithia, except to shove or beat or throw things at him. Elspeth was never like that, of course. He’d hardly even seen her in a foul mood, let alone be cruel to anything.

    She’d turned her face—golden in the firelight, her hair almost yellow—up to his and thanked him most earnestly.

    “Your tales not only take me away to mysterious, wonderful lands,” she’d said. “They comfort me. They teach me how to be strong and righteous yet forgiving and merciful. They show me what love and goodness are. They teach me how to be brave. I do believe I learn more from you than I do my own father or Father Hamish.”

    How his breath had caught!

    Her face had fallen—“Is that wicked?!” 

    He’d only laughed.

    “I’m so glad you’re with us now,” she’d added, placing her other hand over his, though it was sticky from a burst boil. “I hope you remain here always. This is your home.”

    That was the night everything shifted for Muir. When he’d been able to take hold, finally, of some kind of hope, secretly vowing to do all he could to support Elspeth in the Godliest way possible. Fiona, too, if she would let him. Even if he never returned to his form as King Ian, if he remained Muir until the day of his death, he would still have done good in the world. He would have encouraged this marvelous little sister-in-spirit and aided both girls in becoming their noblest selves. His life would not have been wasted.

    He’d needed Elspeth. By the time he’d reached the age of eighteen, all of Ian’s brothers had died. His mother went shortly thereafter, and finally his father. In those initial years he’d been a solitary monarch. Anguished, and reflective, he’d often cloistered himself, focusing perhaps too intently on what God wanted. Deluding himself into believing he was more extraordinary than he truly was.

    But the curse had given him siblings again, and a different kind of purpose. He had a new family. He was no longer alone.           

    Ahead, a figure stood in the path, her back to him. A noblewoman by the looks of it. Dressed in a light-yellow gown with long, open sleeves. Her hands rested on her hips, thumbs forward, for he could only see her fingers at her slender waist.

    Sunlight glossed her curly brown hair.

    His Elspeth!

    He pulled gently on the reigns, stopping the horse.

    She stood in the same attitude she had that day last autumn, not long after her twentieth birthday. Muir had gone into the courtyard to fetch more firewood when he’d noticed her gazing up at the ruby and citrine leaves on the high trees beyond the castle walls. He hadn’t recognized her right away, but that womanly figure—her torso veeing to a narrow waist, the shapely curve of her seat beneath her skirts—and the vague floral scent wafting under his goat’s nose, defying the season, had made him ache with a new, sharp desire. And when she’d turned, and he saw on that figure his sweet Beth’s soft smile, the world had tipped right over.

    “Do not the leaves look like jewels?” she’d asked him.

    He could only gaze at her.

    Though he’d fought the suspicions, those earliest guilty inklings, that day, he could no longer deny that Elspeth had become far more than a sisterly figure.  

    And there she was again, just like that.

    Agitated, Ruadh shifted his weight, his hooves pawing the soft ground. The figure turned.

    She saw him, and her face lit up.

    “Elspeth!”

    Her brow creased. Her hands came to her mouth. She took two steps back.

    “I—” he began

    She dropped her arms to her sides, her entire body stiff like a frightened cat’s, and opened her mouth.

    She screamed.

    A blood-freezing screech.

    Ian jerked awake.

    Around him, the green-deep forest wavered.

    He grabbed fistfuls of mane, squeezing his mount between his legs. Raudh’s gait shifted awkwardly. Upper jaw tingling, Ian pulled hard on the reins and, hand clamped over his mouth, looked ahead.

    The path lay empty.   

    “By Morrigan…”

    Sweaty, he dismounted. Tying the horse to a limb, Ian strode over to a nearby stream pouring crystal water over a flat rock, smoothed bone-white by friction and time. He kneeled, cupped his hands, and drank from the frantic little waterfall. The cold liquid soothed his throat and stomach. He dashed some of it onto his neck and face, scrubbing his eyes and cheeks.  

    Thirst quenched, his head clearer, he walked farther downstream. There, the path briefly plateaued and the water stilled. The sky above him hovered clear of branches, and he gazed down on the little pond’s surface, trying to glimpse his human face.

    His reflection was fuzzy, elusive. He recognized general human features, but the water’s surface swirled in tiny, lazy eddies, and he could hardly discern anything distinct. Straining his gaze, he thought he saw a whitish shade of hair around his temples, and perhaps tiny lines radiating from his eyes, but the water’s slow motion mocked his efforts.

    Did he look old? He had aged, of course; the skin on his face felt dry and tight.

    Old, yet foolish still. Easily startled by a bad dream, though he had twenty years on Elspeth.

    In truth, he could be her father.

    She’d nurtured a kind of affection for Muir. But would she want him, Ian? Would she desire him, as a grown woman desires a man?

    Back on Ruadh, several minutes later, he came across what appeared to be the same fierce little cascade. He stopped the horse, staring down.

    The stone over which the water spilled was smooth and pale as ever. The same stone? 

    When another block of time had passed, and he’d only traveled forward, and upward,  and the sun’s rays angled from the west, blazing the tips of western arbors while shrouding the east in shadow (though hardly enough time seemed to warrant such a solar passage), he came yet again to this same fall.

    “What in Heaven’s name?” he whispered.

    He sat atop the horse, staring at it, before climbing down from his saddle. Opposite the stream, he drew Saltire and cut a horizontal line in the tender flesh of a massive beech. Two-handed, he cut a second line more carefully, with the tip of his sword, bisecting the first. A simple cross. He sent up a silent prayer.

    When more time had passed, despite Ruadh carrying Ian only in the same upward direction, the landscape appearing to change all around him, he came yet again to the waterfall. Also, to that same landmark on the same tree. The cross stood out as two clear, deep gashes in the arbor’s flesh.

    The hair on his arms and neck spiked.

    “By Morrigan. Dearest God in Heaven.”

    The iron in his stomach dissolved, infecting his blood, threatening to paralyze all of him.

    “Quid hoc malum est?”

    What evil is this?

    But, he did not need to ask. It must be the fairies, those ancient enemies of man. Their queen, Aine. As before, she was working against him, that must be it. Though his curse was shattered, their antagonism had not ceased. If anything, his victory—Elspeth’s—had wounded Aine’s own ancient, malevolent pride. He’d been wrong—wrong again!—to believe things were resolved. Safe.

    He needed to get his bearings. He turned Ruadh around and traveled back downhill, though his jaw ached and his heart hammered and everything in his being screamed at him to beat the horse forward, upward. To ram against the fairy’s magic in sheer brute force.      

    Traveling downward was easier. He let the horse go much longer than he wished, and the landscape descended naturally. The same patches of white fungi here, the same widow maker looming above the path there, the same rotting log over which the horse had to step. Nothing this way obstructed him.

    The sun was low now, sunk well beneath the treetops. Dimness thickened into darkness.

    Somehow, an entire day had passed.

    Elspeth, Elspeth. She must be home by now.

    But she had not crossed his path… there was only one way down, only one way traversable …

    What if Aine, or something else, had snatched her?

    What if the fairy queen now plotted to break his own heart, so that the being who wore the crown, though “restored,” was nothing more than the shell of a man? And the battles, the strife, the pain, would only go on?

    What if there could be no victory, in fact?

    Darkness swirled before his eyes; his head felt light. His hollow stomach thrummed.

    Please, God, keep her safe.

    Elspeth deserved safety more than anyone.

    If I lose her, it will kill me.  

    He dismounted. In the icy twilight, a mist like a long, wasting ghost wound its way through the black trunks, which looked themselves like stalking wraiths—poised to swarm him and waiting only for a signal. Then, he heard it—the tinkling of falling water.

    He stumbled away from the horse, straining his ear toward the sound. It hadn’t been there before, he swore it. Through the swirling gloam, he could make out—

    The same flat, white stone.

    The same little waterfall.

    Rock clanged against chainmail as he fell to his knees. He thrust his hands under the cascade. The frigid water burned his hands.

    Whipping his head around, he lurched toward the nearby beech. Grasping the trunk, he managed to make out the slices beneath his numb fingers.

    “Magnus Deus in Caelo.”

    He closed his eyes, letting his head fall against the sign. It was cold and hard.

    Great God in Heaven.

    The horse stirred, his whinny low and urgent.

    Now all the trees sucked at Ian, at his bubbling panic. The whole dark, tilting world suckled from him, nursing on all his weaknesses. So addled and inept was he, he could not even find the woman he loved, a single young maid at the top of a hill.

    The trees closed in, and he smelled decay—the heavy stink of wet meaty fungi, laced with the putrid sweetness of rotting flesh. It wafted out from the ground beneath his feet.

    Then, Heaven extinguished the little light left—the sinking sun snuffed out between God’s thumb and forefinger.

    ***

    Thanks for reading!

    You can find Chapter Four here.

    XOXO,

    Jenn

  • A King’s Epilogue: Chapter Two

    This piece is a companion novelette to Elspeth and the Fairy. If you missed my May 13th post, you can read a little about this story’s context here.

    You can also find Chapter One here, posted on May 15th.

    Part I: RESTORATION

    Photo by Moritz Ludtke on Unsplash

    Chapter Two

    Through the blessedly empty kitchen Ian barreled, Saltire bumping awkwardly against his thigh. Over the threshold he went, where he’d first crossed on that chilly, smoky night ten years ago, though outside no deadened leaves crunched beneath his boots. He strode instead over dewy new grass, through the courtyard hazy with gold in the rising sun, and out toward the stable. It was early enough to hope he might slip in undetected, and the sweet, balsamic scents of Scots pine urged him on.     

    But, no. Coming toward him was the old groom. That wizened man, blinking as though still waking, stopped short. His watery eyes bulged.

    “I need a horse, Boyd.”

    Dumb-founded, the old man nodded his head. Then, “Sire?” Nearly toothless, it came out as a lisp: “Thire… thire?”

    “Yes, I am he; I will explain.” Ian slowed his words as his hand found Saltire’s hilt. But there was no need to be defensive; no one would be cruel to him now, least of all old Boyd. He clasped his hands together instead. “But first, I need a horse. Is the roan well?”

    “Went lame juth yetherday.”

    “The chestnut?”

    “Fine ath alwayth. Och!” The old man gripped his breeches. His two grey teeth poked up from behind shriveled lips.

    “I will take him,” said Ian. “Tell Lord Aitken I am taking him, and I will be back as quick as God allows.”  

    The poor old bodach continued to nod dumbly, but just as Ian strode past him, he shrieked.

    “My lordth! Lord Aitken! Lord Alithair!! Come quick! QUICK!!” Boyd’s screeches were loud enough to stir all the spirits, even the peaceful dead.   

    Ian halted, pivoted. More servants peeked out the kitchen door.

    “Me thinkth ye be thome triflin’ wraith!” the old man cried. “Me thinkth ye be not real!”

    “Are we on the doorstep of Samhain, man?!” Ian flung a gesture at the surrounding greenery. “You spout nonsense!” Though impatience gnawed at him, he held out his hand. “I am as real as you, that chestnut, or Lord Aitken. Come!” He waved the old man toward him. The groom crept forward, pressing the offered palm with a shy old forefinger.

    “Och! Ye feel real!” Then: “Yer Majethy!” The man dropped to both knees, surprisingly agile. He bowed his head against gripped palms.

    The action took Ian aback. No one had kneeled to him in so very long, and it struck him as ridiculous, even as the sun’s final rays cleared the mountain tops, and the sunlight illuminated the old man’s chest. Ian forced himself to stand taller, to feel the warmth on his own back. To sympathize with the old groom’s shock and awe.

    He must act as his subject needed him to.  

    From the kitchen doorway, the household’s nobles appeared, pulled away from their breakfast. Alistair led in long, flexible strides, cape billowing behind him. He too reached for his sword. Fiona, Elspeth’s sister, followed, scurrying beneath her lifted train, the veil on her conical hat bouncing. Gouty Lord Aitken hobbled behind her, his full face rubied.

    Alistair, with those cerulean eyes and creamy jaw molded as if by angels, halted just yards from Ian. The younger man’s hand rested on his hilt, and he squinted—once, twice, three times as his eyes roved over his king. They needled Ian, who felt the weight of his relative homeliness.  

    Alistair ought to know him. Though, he had not seen his king since he was an impetuous laddie at court, and he had only recently begun to trust his own senses again, as Ian had overheard him say.

    Unless, Ian’s human form had greatly changed. Aged, perhaps, beyond easy recognition. The idea sparked a new fear.

    “Do my eyes deceive me?” Alistair finally whispered. “King Ian?”

    The boy’s frightful questions tugged at Ian. “Yes, Son. I am he.” 

    Fiona, likewise, looked like a baffled seraph. Though he’d lived with her for many years, Ian still blinked at the sublimity of her beauty, the way he blinked at a sharp crescent moon suspended in the night sky, too cool and perfect to believe.

    It was Lord Aitken who confirmed Ian’s identity for them all. Lumbering up, the middle-aged nobleman stepped around his promised son-in-law. Winded and pained, he bent over, palms on his thick thighs, and stared at Ian.  

    “My king?” he panted.

    Standing, he squinted only once.

    That faithful lord did not require confirmation. He only clasped beefy hands over his heart, gaping. “Your Majesty!”

    Then, grinning—”Thanks be to the gods!” He checked himself, though he began to guffaw, his astute eyes glistening. “Praise be to Jehovah, One and Only! To God above! To the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!”

    He’d always been so trusting, so open. So obedient and good. A steadfast friend.

    Much like his younger daughter.

    Ian’s own eyes threatened to fill.

    “It is alright, Aitken,” he said. “I will not scold you for blasphemy.”

    Bellowing joyfully, Aitken shambled down on one knee. He bowed his head. Alistair followed suit, and Fiona gave a deep, graceful curtsy.           

    Thus, it would slip into legend: that there in the courtyard of a rather obscure old castle on the outskirts of his kingdom, in a place relatively untouched by the fear and chaos that had plagued the land, the long-lost and much-mourned King Ian finally returned to his people.

    But now, impatience clawed at him.

    He drew a deep breath. “I have a story to tell,” he began, his phrasing falling into an old pattern. “It is a long one, and meaningful, and full of joy though first it is fraught with struggle.”

    Fiona’s head shot up.

    “And I have much to commend about your household, Lord Aitken,” Ian added.

    Fiona drew her brows together.

    “But, I must command that it wait.”

    “Please, your Majesty!” Aitken heaved himself back on two feet. “You must come, sit at my table! Let us call for viands and send for Alistair’s father! Your council!” He clapped twice, excited as a little boy. “There is much to hear and do! To celebrate!”

     “No.” Ian’s voice cut sharper than he intended. “There is something I must do first. I must find someone.”

    “Your words are familiar, Your Majesty.” Though accustomed to being pampered and thus willfully obtuse, Fiona now spoke with audacious clarity. “They are an introduction I remember well from my girlhood, words spoken at the start of many stories…”

    Something lurched inside him. He stared at her.

    Ian had echoed his own words. Muir’s words. He had fallen back on the preliminaries he’d employed when, in the evenings, he’d told morality tales to the little lassie sisters. 

    Oh, God. How would she respond?

    “Whom do you seek, your Majesty?” Fiona continued, a knowing look in her sapphire eye. “My sister?”

    He swallowed. “Indeed.”

    Fiona gasped.

    “I must find her.” Ian tilted his head, signaling the urgency.

    Fiona nodded.

    “I have something important to tell her.”

    “I see,” she whispered. A quiet smile tugged at her lips.

    Warmth flooded him. “You understand, my lady?”

    “I think so.” Her hand came to her breast. Alistair and her father stared at her, and her betrothed reached out tenderly.  

    “Where is she?” Ian asked.

    “Walking, I presume.” 

    “Where?”

    “Perhaps the western meadow down in the glen, out toward Loch Neary. More likely, though, she’s on the path up Capercaillies’ Hill.”

    “That high hill? The one with the old woodcutter’s trail?”

    “Yes.” Fiona’s face clouded, and Ian thought he read in it regret. “That trek up and down fills her day. She does not like to be at home now.”

    Ian’s eyes drifted to Alistair. “I know.”

    Alistair dropped his gaze.

    “Go to her,” Fiona urged.

    “What is going on?” Lord Aitken cut in, still grinning. “I do not follow.”

    But Fiona smiled again, wider this time. “It’s alright, Father.” She kept her eyes on Ian. “All is well. Be patient.”

    “Thank you, dear maiden.” Ian stepped forward to place a brotherly hand on the young woman’s cheek. “God bless you both.” He moved his hand to Alistair’s shoulder.

    Then, most tenderly, he touched Aitken’s arm. “And you too, my dear good sir.”  

    Aitken bowed his head again.

    “Go now, Your Majesty,” urged Fiona.

    “And take that horth!” added Boyd. “Me Lord’th Ruadh will carry ye well!”

    “Wait!” Alistair cried. “Ought I to summon at least my father, the regent? That way, once you return, counsel might commence immediately? And what security ought we to implement? What exactly do you wish us to do, Your Majesty?”

    There was a barb in the boy’s tone, and Ian’s cheeks heated scarlet. Of course. In this moment, he was overlooking things most pressing. This situation must be handled with care, especially right now—he did not want rumors to fly, or any kind of strange, destructive ecstasy to ensue. Or any violent snatch at power.

    He must take up the scepter again with a steady, strategic hand.

    “Yes, Lord Alistair.” He said it evenly, though he nodded with vigor. “Go yourself, but seal your lips. Bring only your father here, and Sirs Angus and Ewan. Swear them all likewise to silence. We will convene when I return. And Aitken—”

    The lord lifted his chin like a happy hound.

    “Put your guards in place. This day, let no one aside from Alistair leave your premises. Everyone here is likewise forbidden from speaking of this, for now. Am I clear?”

    Aitken bowed once more. “Perfectly, Your Majesty.”

    Turning his back on Aitken’s manor and heading again for the stable, unmolested, relief coursed through Ian. A powerful, promising sense of freedom, and something else, spurred him on, though now the heat from his cheeks fevered the back of his neck.

    He wondered how long they all stood there, watching his retreating form.  

    He kept his eyes ahead. On horseback, he’d certainly find Elspeth within the hour.

    His large body vibrated with conviction; he was so much larger than he was used to, his strides long though awkward compared to Muir’s or even Alistair’s. They ate the ground beneath him.

    Finding Elspeth would be simple. She had only just left; it was early. She could not be far.

    Prithee, yes?

    Gun teagamh.

    No doubt.     

    ***

    Thanks for reading!

    You can find Chapter Three here.

    XOXO,

    Jenn

  • A King’s Epilogue: Chapter One

    This piece is a companion novelette to Elspeth and the Fairy. If you missed my May 13th post, you can read a little about this story’s context here.

    Part I: RESTORATION

    Photo by Hoyoun Lee on Unsplash

    Chapter One

    When the second, and final, transformation of his life occurred, Muir’s arms were smeared in blood past his elbows.

    Toiling in Lord Aitken’s scullery, he gripped the buck’s hindquarter with his feeble left hand. With his equally afflicted right, he sawed the flattened blade of a skinning knife down the inside of the deer’s leg, careful to keep the blade between skin and muscle. Releasing the animal’s limb, he began to pull its flesh away, using the knife to separate the connective tissue where it clung.

    Muir’s stringy muscles strained with effort. Sweat slicked the fleshed parts of him, for he was still mostly a wretched man. Of this exertion, he was not conscious; his body labored in motor memory. His throat tightened, however—inside, it was still very human despite his goat’s brow—though he’d done such butchery a hundred times.

    Despite its gutting, the deer’s fur remained even and unblemished; it bore on its head only four points. It had been a young animal, likely poached since it was brought directly to him rather than dressed ritually in the field. Muir had refused to hang it from a hook, laying it out on a table instead. Even so, its mutilation made him ache, an internal throb that matched the rhythm of his efforts.  

    As he worked, he grunted a quiet prayer in Latin.

    “Gratias tibi ago, Domine, pro hac largitate. Non vastare.”

    Thank you, Lord, for this bounty. It will not go to waste.

    Though a priest would have condemned it as heresy, he added in Gaelic, “Tapadh leibh, Cernunnos; tapadh leat, Danu, airson an tiodhlac seo dhut fhèin. Bidh mi ag ath-aithris, cha tèid e gu sgudal.”

    I repeat, it will not go to waste.

    When all the hide finally came free, he laid it aside. The fur would line some new garment to warm some good soul. Sill gripping the knife, Muir paused to stroke the animal’s cold head, its eye glassy. Meat now. Carnes. Only empty meat.

    No, not empty. From it, other tangible things would come.

    Indeed, nothing would go to waste. He thought it again for the thousandth time, and it was as precious and necessary as one of his prayer beads.

    He’d said it first when, ten years ago, he’d suffered the initial curse, that great crucible of his life. That vow had kept him moving forward, enabling him to support Elspeth.

    Elspeth. The younger daughter of Muir’s lord and master, whom he’d watched grow up.

    She was his redemption here on earth.

    No matter what happened, he must remain in her house. With her, near her.

    He could not bear their parting.

    While Alistair, the one she’d loved, had chosen another—blind fool that he still was—Muir was not so confident another man wouldn’t eventually recognize Elspeth’s great worth, beyond jewels indeed. She would likely marry this man and leave her father’s house.

    Leave him.

    Or, perhaps, she would take Muir, her devoted servant, with her. And he’d have to witness another man put his arms around her, watch her belly swell with children not his own…

    He set the knife down and leaned his palms on the worktable. He tried to breathe through his nausea as he gazed at a hand. Muir’s hands, seared in boils and crimson as the deer’s blood, red as a blood moon. Though Elspeth never once shrank from them, they were hands that could not hold her.

    He closed his eyes.

    A sensation washed through him. Like warm seawater, it was soothing and ancient, rife with power.

    It swept him into an old memory. Long ago, his parents had taken him and all his brothers south, to where the land, grown sandy, met the sea, which lapped upon it like an ardent lover, and the cawing sea birds were strange. There, he’d encountered a force of nature to rival even the vastness of the mountains, filling as it did every corner of his young heart. His mother, waning in her middle years yet at her tenderest, held his fingers as he stomped before her, amused at his own splashes. He’d been old enough to speak.

    “God, Mummy?”

    She’d chuckled, a sound like a bell against the ocean’s roar. “No, sweetest bairn–” But she’d hesitated. “Well, perhaps so…. We feel Him, though we do not see Him.”

    He’d turned his tender face up to hers.

    “Does this feel like God to you?” she asked.

    “Yes.”     

    Now, in the scullery, Muir’s sickness vanished.

    He opened his eyes. He saw the smooth flesh of his large, strong hands. Hands the color of peach.

    He blinked.

    Powder blue veins ran beneath their surfaces, which were spotted here and there with freckles. At his birth, God had peppered him with freckles.

    He had not seen them in ten years.

    Gone were the boils.

    Gone, also, was the deer’s blood.

    He registered something else. Vanished was that constant, penitential sting, a torturous dermal hum he’d finally learned to live with thanks to the salves Elspeth prepared for his inflamed skin. In its place hovered cool, sweet relief, more potent even than the sight of his clear flesh.

    His garments were different too.

    Gone were the ragged cloak and stained apron. Back in its place hung his former chainmail and tunic, free of any smear.

    Trembling, he ran a healed hand over the flawless velvet. He reached for his side, glancing down at a great ivory and iron hilt, cold beneath his fingers. Saltire, his great sword, there in its scabbard. He’d believed it long gone, lost with everything else to some shadowy ether.

    He brought quivering fingers to his face. Bristles of beard, soft edges of human lips, smooth cheekbone.

    No ragged fur, no parasites, no scabs.

    He ran his hand up, through thick human hair and over a smooth crown of skull.

    Gone were the horns.  

    Dizzy, he leaned down again, feeling the hard press of the table’s surface.

    The table shrank away. Though his hands remained where they were, his spirit rose out of his body. When the wooden surface closed in again, comprehension, powerful as any ocean swell, overtook him. He gripped the wooden edge.  

    A virile new strength vibrated through him, like the pluck of a dormant string. The feeling was odd, almost uncomfortable. Too much.

    Was this it—was he finally losing all sense? Was he only imagining what he’d nearly given up on? That old hope, growing ever smaller with each rise and fall of the sun?

    He forced himself to stand. Silently, he counted in Latin.

    Unus, duo, tres, quattuor, quinque… centum.

    He held up his hands again. They did not revert.

    Restored, they were indeed, to their natural form.

    His majesty returned.

    King Ian.  

    “My God,” he breathed in Gaelic, into which, under duress, he now slipped—a result of a decade under Aitken’s pagan roof. “By Morrigan. Praise be. Lauda Deo.” But even returning to Latin, the words felt flat. He could hardly piece together all the fractals of this moment.

    “Elspeth,” he whispered. Her name steadied him.

    It had to be her. She had to have done it, that one magical, final time. That powerful third proof.

    Of course she had. How could he have doubted her?

    Perhaps he was giving God too much credit—a wicked thought, but he could not deny it.

    He lifted his head and called out, “Beth!”

    Silence.

    She was not here. He knew that.

    The torch on the wall flared high, perhaps a powerful domestic spirit—or God himself—bearing witness. It brightened the deer’s reddened carcass. In the briefest flash, Ian saw its fur momentarily restored. Its eye bright.  

    He needed to find Elspeth, now. He needed to know for sure.

    He needed to…

    He needed a horse.

    For suddenly, he held in these clear, robust hands an entirely new possibility.

    ***

    Thanks for reading!

    You can find Chapter Two here.

    XOXO,

    Jenn

  • Spring Updates and A Look at What’s Coming

    Happy spring, my friends!

    It’s probably been warm and verdant for a while where you are. Here, we’re just on the cusp (though the temp was 33F this morning). Our grass is green, the daffodils and dandelions have sprung, and several of the trees have delicate new leaves, lime and chartreuse in shade, they’re so bright! In a week or so, everything will pop. (Please, God, Yahweh, Allah, Odin, Krishna, Ra, Cernunnos, Danu… don’t let it freeze overnight! I want our lilac tree in full bloom this year.)

    Daffodils in the school yard

    Daphne enjoyed her birthday on April 28th. She had a fabulous day at school where her classmates sang to her, made her cards, and everyone enjoyed a cupcake.

    Spring theme

    At home, we decorated the dining room in a spring and fairy theme, since lately she’s been into her little garden figurines. She devoured two more cupcakes that evening after we gave her our gift, a scooter.

    Nothing better than a cupcake, except two
    The balloons were probably her favorite things, aside from the cupcakes

    We also had a little party that Saturday, after her Grandma and Grandad arrived for their first 2026 visit from Texas.

    Grandparents always make a birthday more special

    Her dad made a delicious cake, and she opened the rest of her presents.

    She turned eleven!

    This was the first year she seemed to truly understand what a special day it was, and she was cheerful all week, a win-win for everyone.

    She also started equine therapy!

    At Three Fold Farm near Montpelier

    I’ll share more about that in a later post, but suffice it to say, she loves it. I do, too.

    Brushing Ellie, a paint mare
    This barn kitty followed us all over the farm

    Hubby and I have been busy filling orders, mostly for Secrets of Strixhaven cards, in our online card game shop, Mythic Moose.

    New stock
    All in a day’s work

    I’m back into the swing of my Pilates practice, and my speculative short story, The One Who Wouldn’t Jump, was accepted for publication in the forthcoming anthology What Hides in the Shadows.

    Cover!

    Its structure and pacing need a little TLC, though, so I’m going to dive into those developmental edits as soon as I get this post drafted.

    Finally, beginning this Friday, May 15th, I’ll be sharing my latest novelette here on WordPress.

    It’s a companion story to my Celtic-inspired fairytale, Elspeth and the Fairy, which, though published last September, is at its heart a celebration of spring, of new life and hope.

    Something I tried to make in Canva

    I loved working on this romantic, optimistic little tale of steadfastness, renewal, and resilience (you can download it in the free e-copy of the anthology here). It helped me combat the anxiety and dread many of us were facing in the wake of current events.

    On Elspeth’s publication day, I felt a strange ache. I simply wasn’t ready to be done with this story.

    So, the day after it came out, I sat down to write the same ending but from a different perspective. I wanted to explore the POV of another important character, one who I only had room to present as stoic and serene in Elspeth, but who struggled with much more beneath the surface. What were things like for him? What exactly did he go through? How did he grow? How did he change? How might that add to the richness of the first story?

    Unlike Elspeth, however, which is a simpler composition (a fairytale through-and-through), this novelette is a more detailed romantic historical (or historical-ish) fantasy. It involves more intense emotional stakes with magical, world-altering fantasy elements, including a fight scene between the protagonist and a monster (my first!). Its motifs include class disparity, hidden identity, and a beauty-and-the-beast type of forbidden love.

    (If I were better at Canva I’d insert a cute little mock book cover here, with all those tropes and arrows. Alas, I suck at that program, and messing around with the free version, or paying for an upgrade with more template options, just isn’t how I want to spend my time or money.)

    I wrote this novelette first and foremost for myself, and I wanted it to have an older feel than most fantasies currently have. This piece is an attempt, therefore, at a kind of spiritual-romantic mythmaking, and a central driving question is, who truly sees another soul?

    I also wanted to keep everything in scene, so that’s how this story ended up the length it did. It’s approximately 13k, divided into four parts with seven chapters total.

    (If you’re not familiar with “in scene,” that simply means grounding everything in real time through action, dialogue, and sensory details, as opposed to summarizing events. It’s what develops a story into an immersive experience, what makes it feel real and immediate.)

    Here’s my plan for posting:

    Part I, Restoration: May 15 Ch 1, May 18 Ch 2

    Part II, In the Forest: May 21 Ch 3, May 24 Ch 4, May 27 Ch 5

    Part III, On the Hilltop: May 30 Ch 6

    Part IV, A Wedding Gift: May 31 Ch 7

    A chapter will drop every three days until the end of May. After that, things will quiet down again, I promise.

    Ultimately, working on this novelette has been another wonderful learning experience, and I will share it here as a simple offering for spring. Right now, I’m keeping its title to myself so I don’t spoil anything for anyone who might want to read Elspeth first.

    If you try this novelette, I hope you enjoy it. Though I do believe you will have a richer, fuller experience if you read Elspeth and the Fairy beforehand, I did work hard to make this novelette a stand-alone. You should be able to understand everything without reading Elspeth’s side of things first.

    As always, I hope all is well with you. I’d love to see anything you’d like to share in the comments.

    Thank you for reading!

    XOXO,

    Jenn

  • Mud Season Musing

    Hi, friends. The high for today here in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont (NEK) is 57 F. We did have some snow on Tuesday, with a morning temperature in the teens, but now that dusting is gone.

    The large masses of snow have been gone, in fact, for a few weeks.

    That means our hens are happily free-ranging and laying more eggs.

    A dozen eggs!

    They can also jump into our laps again for chicky snuggles. I swear, Doris, our oldest girl, acts just like a cat. She even burbles in a way that reminds me of a cat’s purr, these sweets sounds indicating how thrilled she is with the warmer weather.

    Lap, Dad, now!

    The changing season also means Burke Mountain, our local ski resort, is about the close, but not before holding their annual pond skim, which happened last Saturday, April 4th. They titled this year’s event Pond Voyage (click that link to see a fab video!) and our family went to see it. I’d never been to a pond skim, and it was a straight-up party! Daphne loved it too, so much so that she wanted to stay for the entire thing.

    If you’re not familiar with it, a pond skim is a playful competition where skiers and snowboarders (many dressed in hilarious aqua-themed costumes) come down a mountain to skim over the surface of a pond–this small body of water (real or man-made) representing the snow melt and, of course, winter’s end.

    Burke’s “pond”

    So it’s snow to water skiing!

    On our way to find good seats. Pic does not do the horizon justice

    Whoever gets across the pond without falling or sinking advances to the next round, but the challenge increases as participants have to start further and further down the mountain with each round, picking up less and less speed. Thus, with each round, the physics of the challenge get tougher, until there is only one man and one woman “standing,” meaning only one man and one woman making it all the way across, becoming the victors. This year, Burke awarded each winner a free 2026-27 season pass.

    Based on all this evidence, then, it’s clear. Mud season is here, and true spring is just four weeks away.

    This makes April a month all about transitions, which is fitting since it’s also the month we rolled into Vermont back in 2021. In fact, five years ago today, April 9th, we (Texan suburbanites) arrived in tiny Canaan, at our little Airbnb in that most northeastern corner of the Green Mountain State, to start our new lives. We had no idea where we would permanently live, what exactly it would all be like, or even if our daughter would enjoy it, so it was a huge gamble.

    Pic taken April 10, 2021, the day after our arrival when we first looked at this property, which we ended up buying! Much improvement since then

    And, man, what a ride it’s been, but mostly a wonderful one! I’m a different person now–more peaceful, practical, creative, and grounded.

    I’ve also become a proud chicken mama!

    One of my first chicks, either Mildred or Mabel (RIP!), taken summer 2021

    Daphne loves the snow and lakes, and my husband is back home in New England and much more content.

    I also love living closer to nature, surrounded by so much rich, visible history.

    One of my favorite Vt spots, Fortification Hill in Cabot, at the A.M. Foster Bridge

    Our decision to uproot was a radical and even painful one in certain ways, but it ended up being the change we needed. This lifestyle suits us better.

    It’s fitting, then, that we’re about to purchase the remaining nine acres that was part of the original owner’s homestead. The seller, a local man whose family has deep roots here, sold us a majority of his mother’s family property back in 2021 but kept a small part because, as he told us, he simply wasn’t ready to let it all go. His mother just passed away, though, bless her, so I think that was the catalyst for his decision to offer us the remaining portion. We close on that final piece next Wednesday, April 15, bringing our property’s grand total to 19 acres.

    We appreciate our own family’s support for this decision. Thank you so much!

    Daphne’s birthday is also later this month, on April 28th, and her grandparents will be in town to celebrate. She’s turning eleven, something else that’s hard to believe. When we came to Vermont, she was only five.

    Pic taken spring 2021 in our new backyard

    She’s grown up a lot.

    Pic taken this past fall

    Lots of good things, then.

    All of it has taught me not to fear change. Change is disruptive and sometimes scary, but when you go about it with some thought, planning, faith, and resilience, you realize it isn’t actually dangerous (scary and dangerous aren’t always the same things, as Jer likes to say). This has been one of the best lessons of my adult life, and I owe it in large part to our move here.

    I’ll leave you with my little haiku for mud season:

    Things are ugly, then

    they grow beautiful again.

    Brown buds of new hope.

    New growth!

    Thank you for reading! Feel free to tell me how your April is going in the comments below.

    XOXO,

    Jenn

  • March Updates

    Hi, friends! I hope you’re enjoying early spring. Texas peeps, this is when your weather’s best, so I hope you can get outside as much as possible.

    Early spring here means fluctuation, or a battle of seasonal wills. It’s really nothing more than winter pushing back when the longer days grow defiant enough to climb above 32F. We’ve had a lot of snow melt and mud (and happier hens) and now another bout of freezing temperatures and snow.

    This isn’t entirely dismal, though–it’s what makes the best maple syrup in the country possible. Late winter/early spring is sugaring season, when freezing nights and warmer, above-freezing days create the pressure necessary for sap to flow. So, it might not look like much is stirring yet out in nature, but the truth is, sweet things are happening.

    A sugar house just down the road here in the NEK of Vermont

    On a similar note, I’ve been quieter here and on Substack, but that doesn’t mean I’ve quit. Instead, I’m making more time, and head-space, to read and write fiction, and it’s been refreshing.

    I’m currently reading To Sir Philip, With Love by Julia Quinn (Bridgerton Book #5).

    Photo from Quinn’s website

    After finishing Season 3 on Netflix in preparation for Season 4, I realized it’d been a few years since I’d read one of the books. So, I picked up where I left off in the historical romance series and am now thoroughly enjoying Eloise’s story. She’s my favorite character in the show, played brilliantly by Claudia Jessie.

    Writing-wise, I have three current works-in-progress (WIPs). That’s unusual for me; I tend to hyperfocus on one creative piece at a time. This state of things feels manageable, though, and I’ve just finished a working draft of one WIP and plan to complete the other two by the end of May. Here’s a look at each one:

    Untitled winter gothic story

    Image by Microsoft Designer

    A widower dairy farmer in 1900 tries to make a fresh start, but unresolved issues prevent him from taking any real action to move his life forward. Specifically, he can’t quite allow himself to court the local schoolteacher with whom he’s falling in love. On a bleak, sub-zero Christmas Eve, however, he rescues a lost young woman drawn to his farmhouse by a single lit candle, and this encounter changes everything.

    All I have left to draft for this novelette is the resolution, so I’ll have that done fairly quickly. Then, I’ll let it sit until September before I attempt any edits. Once it’s edited, I will probably share it here as a multi-part Christmas story.

    Slumber Sickness: A Dark Sleeping Beauty Retelling

    Image by Microsoft Designer

    This one is a historical fiction fairytale retelling, set in the mid-1920s on a wealthy American family’s vacation estate in the Catskill Mountains. The morally-gray protagonist is Malina, the Romani-Irish daughter of the family’s personal spiritualist and the childhood friend to its heiress, the beautiful Miss Rose Van Ackeren.

    Mal and Rose’s relationship is tested, however, when an Austrian baron arrives to court Rose, who then falls ill to a mysterious disease of violent fits and catatonic sleep. In the wake of everything, Mal finds herself torn between her love for Rose and her anger and sense of betrayal, which ultimately fuels her dangerous desire to both protect Rose and seek revenge for certain unspeakable acts committed by this family.

    This piece was inspired by the true story of the encephalitis lethargica epidemic, which affected Europe and North America from roughly 1919-1930. Compared to the Spanish Influenza, this sickness is a footnote in history, but it’s a fascinating one that remains a medical enigma to this day.

    And while the first draft of this particular story is shaping up as a novelette that I’ll probably post here this summer, it has the most potential to grow into a novella or short novel. I really need to get back to long-form writing, and this might be a piece to develop. The research it would require intimidates me, though. We’ll see.

    The One Who Didn’t Jump

    Image by Microsoft Designer

    This is a short work (4.2 k words) of speculative fiction. It’s set in the fall of 1992 and features Jessica, a little girl who’s just moved into a new house with her divorced mother, but things in her large, private bedroom aren’t right. She’s haunted by a frightening figure that keeps appearing at the foot of her bed, and she wants nothing more than for it to go away.

    At the same time, she’s eager to fit in with her new group of friends who enjoy swimming in a local quarry. There, years ago, a construction site flooded when the crew hit an aquifer, and all the equipment remains underwater (this was inspired by a real place where my husband and other local kids in Katy, Texas, used to swim, and where some pretty awful things happened). Prone to dark thoughts, Jess cannot resist the feeling that something terrible awaits her beneath that green opaque water.

    This story is finished and self-edited. I wrote it for a publication opportunity, and I need to submit it by April 7th. It was probably the most fun to write–it’s both creepy and nostalgic. I had a blast including little period details about the things Jess, an early Millennial like me, was wearing, reading, watching, and listening to. Please cross your fingers that it gets accepted.

    In other creative news, I’ve finished my first punch needle project, and Daphne has done some more painting.

    Don’t look too closely. It’s my first attempt and it’s rough, but it was fun!
    Daphne’s latest. I love the colors she chose.

    It really is true that “artistic expression brings happiness, purpose, self-worth, and balance… [it is] an essential piece of a rich, productive life” (Deb Caletti, from Writer’s Digest July/August 2015).

    On a personal note, I turned 44 on March 23. It was a beautiful day–skiing on Burke Mountain followed by an apres of craft beer and lunch with Jer at Burke’s The View Pub.

    Apres selfie
    My beer was actually a Phaze IPA on tap from VT’s Four Quarters Brewing
    This pic of Mikaela Shiffrin hangs in the Burke Mt Hotel lobby; she’s an alum of the Burke Mountain Academy

    That evening, I opened my gifts: a lovely summer dress from KJP and seven new punch needle projects.

    Perfect new dress for seaside cocktails in an Adirondack chair

    We also enjoyed a delicious cake my husband baked himself, and I’ve had a blast spending an Amazon gift card from my in-laws and buying a package of Pilates classes with the money from my own parents. I have been absolutely spoiled.

    So delicious!

    Daphne started physical therapy two weeks ago and is doing well all the way around. I’ll post more about that soon.

    Thank you for taking the time to catch up with me! I’d love for you to share any of your own updates in the comments. Enjoy the springtime!

    XOXO,

    Jenn

  • Evidence of Belonging

    Winter 2026 hasn’t been easy for the grownups in our household.

    Photo taken at midnight on Ibolc

    We’ve dealt with temperatures consistently in the negatives. We’ve soldiered through days topping only in the single digits, if they ever crept above zero, trapping us mostly indoors. That’s ramped up contagion, of course, and we battled an awful virus in late January-early February, all while watching footage of ICE murdering people in the streets of Minneapolis. God bless America.

    Just after we managed to avoid an ER trip by forcing liquid ibuprofin down our daughter’s throat, the hot water in our kitchen pipes froze. Then, our oil supplier missed a delivery day–a Friday, no less– leaving us with only our woodstove for heat over a long, frigid weekend.

    Ugh. Fortunately, things have improved.

    But, illness aside, you know who *has* had a good winter so far?

    Our autistic daughter, Daphne.

    This is the first year Daph has participated in her school’s winter sports program. In her district, all third through eighth graders get to choose from skiing, snowboarding, ice skating, or bowling. Then, for six weeks starting in January, they get half the day every Tuesday to take their lessons off campus. It’s a nice break for the kiddos and a good way to make the often dark, icy days a little more bearable.

    At the urging of her long-time aid, I signed Daphne up for snowboarding.

    I was skeptical, I’ll admit. What exactly would she do while her classmates had their lessons with the Burke Mountain staff? Would I have to pull her around on her snowboard while she watched her peers go “falling leaf” on their heels down the bunny hill? Would she end up just playing in the snow until enough time crept by for me to finally load her up in our Subaru? Would she be able to ride the bus up to the mountain with her peers, or would the engine and diesel fumes overwhelm her, and I’d have to drive her myself? I was prepared to do all these things so she could be included, but I wasn’t sure they would add up to any kind of meaningful experience.

    Such is sometimes the case. People usually do the best they can, but “including” my child with high support needs doesn’t always look the way I’d like it to. And then, I’m forced to stand there politely witnessing, and silently internalizing, all the things that seem impossible. That vast difference between my child I love so much and the rest of the world.

    In this case, how wrong I was.

    Turns out, Daphne’s district works with Adaptive Sports Partners.

    They are a magnificent non-profit organization that creates opportunities for people of various abilities to enjoy the sports and recreation most of us take for granted.

    Their volunteer instructors facilitate activities like skiing, snowboarding, hiking, swimming, bike-riding, etc. for those who struggle to do these things on their own. The organization provides all kinds of specialized instruction and amazing adaptive equipment to make these experiences possible, guided as they are by the vision of “build[ing] a community where everyone can experience and excel at sport, recreation, and adventure,” which gives participants the “community, confidence, and skills” they might not otherwise have.

    It’s been a beautiful experience for us.

    Daphne and Kerry

    Daphne’s instructor, Miss Kerry, met us right away that first day. She knelt down so she was eye-level with Daphne, introducing herself and speaking kindly but without condescension. She got Daphne strapped into her bindings on her board, communicated with her via some simple sign language, and listened as Daphne used her AAC device to say things like “Hello,” “Yes,” and “Again.” In no time, she had Daph giggling and signing for more as she maneuvered her around the base of the learning area.

    By the next lesson, Kerry was holding Daph’s hand as she went down the lower portion of the learner’s hill.

    By the next few sessions, Daph was only holding on to her with one hand.

    “You have such strong legs, my friend! You are so balanced and relaxed!” Kerry tells Daphne. “You are amazing!”

    Rarely have I seen Daph so happy. Plus, all I have to do is watch my sweet girl have a blast, up there on that beautiful mountain during these thankfully-bluebird afternoons, when we’ve soaked up the precious, healing sun. It’s felt like the sky knows it’s witnessing something special in all this wonderful affirmation.

    Daph’s classmates have been so impressed and supportive, too. They cheer her on, calling out things like “Yay, Daphne! You’re a natural!” They’re right there with her, going down the hill around her. She’s right there in the middle of all the action.

    She has one more lesson in March before winter sports end. I’m sad about that, but I’m so grateful for this experience and all the ways it’s compensated for the hard parts of the season.

    Adding to this joy was Daphne’s Valentine’s gift from her Grandma and Grandad, the new first-ever autistic Barbie doll from Mattel.

    The newest Barbie

    The company worked for over a year with the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, run by and for autistic people, to create a doll that enables autistic children to see themselves represented positively and authentically.

    The doll has bendable arms and wrists to reflect the physical stimming and flapping some people do to self-regulate. She wears a finger-clip spinner and a soft, simple dress to suggest the sensitivity some have to textures. She sports a pair of headphones, for noise-cancelling purposes and to indicate the love many autistic people have for music that soothes or otherwise appeals to them. She gazes slightly off to the side, representing how many autistics prefer to avoid eye contact.

    Daphne’s favorite feature of the doll, however, is the doll’s AAC device, the method by which this Barbie communicates instead of using spoken words.

    When Daph opened the doll, I showed her all the ways the doll was similar to her. She listened quietly before she pointed to the doll’s AAC tablet, looked at me, and smiled. Daph loves her own tablet, what we call her “talker,” so I think she knew immediately how important it was to this Barbie.

    This Barbie has a talker, too!

    Daph’s played with her every day since she’s opened her, making Barbie dance up and down while she, Daph, taps “Hello” on her talker, which I repeat back: “Hello, Barbie!” Daph giggles and makes the doll jump up on my arm or leg.

    This doll “expand[s] what inclusion looks like in the toy aisle and beyond because every child deserves to see themselves in Barbie,” says Jamie Cygielman, Mattel’s global head of dolls.

    She’s amazing

    People have criticized the doll, of course. One major critique is that she stereotypes the disorder, since autism actually exhibits in so many different ways. Another is that the doll simplifies autism, making it “cute” without representing the hardships that often come with this way of being (Um, hello, the doll is a toy meant to enjoy… do kids want to see that hardship made explicit?). Another is that the doll is only one skin tone.

    Everyone has the right to an opinion, and I am not autistic myself, so I’m not in a position to fairly weigh in (though, clearly, I do have a few opinions).

    All I care about, really, is how my autistic daughter responds to the doll. I believe she understands this Barbie is just like her, and she appreciates that. She seems to love the doll, and that’s what matters to me.

    This gift’s a hit

    No doubt, people have critiques for Adaptive Sports Partners, too (though, I truly cannot imagine what they might be. That participants pay a fee, usually…?). Again, that’s fine; right now, I don’t have a single complaint.

    Maybe I should. Maybe there is always room to push, to make something even better. Maybe my privilege, or the fact that I sometimes settle too easily, shows in my lack of complaint.

    But, right now, here’s what it comes down to for me:

    I can tell my daughter she is sweet, smart, beautiful, wonderful, and just as good as any other person in this world. I can read books normalizing autism to her, and that is wonderful, but it does lean more toward the abstract side of things, just as my words probably do.

    What might make a clearer, deeper difference is Daphne seeing evidence of her belonging in the world around her. When she’s included in more ways that just being in the same school building or classroom. When she can snowboard next to her friend Ilona, for instance, and play with a doll that communicates just like she does. When she sees she’s reflected and fully embraced exactly as she is, in all her strengths and challenges. When there’s proof she deserves time to be front and center too, that she’s not always destined for the peripheries. This, I believe, will enhance her self-esteem and self-efficacy, and those are the bedrocks on which she will learn, grow, and ultimately thrive.

    That’s a foundation for self-love, dignity, and respect. A good life.

    And that, I do not take lightly.

    February on our farm

    Thank you for reading. I hope you’ve had a good February, and if you have thoughts or opinions, I’d love to see them in the comments. See you next month!

    Valentine roses

    XOXO,

    Jenn

  • Make Pretty Things

    On Christmas Day, my husband and daughter gave me this lovely zipper pouch with this message printed in soft brown on the front.

    Lovely

    I thought it was a pencil pouch at first. Great! I love a nice bag for all my weird writerly things: writing utensils, highlighters, stickers, bookmarks, Post-Its, mini notepads scrawled with odd ideas or reminders, even a few bonus art cards left over from packs of Magic we sell in our shop, Mythic Moose.

    An art card from our latest set, Lorwyn Eclipsed. This is Eirdu, Carrier of Dawn by Omar Rayyan

    Why the art cards count as bookish things I don’t know, but I guess I might use them as bookmarks one day.

    Lately, I’ve wanted to make more things with my hands, so this gift was quite apropos given it actually turned out to be a storage pouch for a beginner painter’s watercolor set. We’d seen these sets complete with colors, brush, and workbooks in Newport in November, and I’d commented on how fun they looked. Of course Jer, being the attentive husband he is, went back to get a few for me before we left town.

    Seasonal, of course
    Tutorial inside the workbook

    The paint set has allowed me to dive right into another hobby, with no other desire than to work on something low-stakes and lovely. Or, lovely some day as my understanding and technique improve.

    First painting. Nailed it, lol. But it was a good time.

    I’m having so much fun with it. Right now, I’m working on mixing colors to achieve specific shades while avoiding the appearance of brush strokes.

    I did a better job mixing the colors to mimic the example in this second painting. I haven’t finished the patterns on the hat yet because sickness has thrown our household into upheaval yet again.

    My family also gifted me two punch needle kits, which look considerably harder than the painting, but I’m eager to try my hand at these too. Again, for no other reason than to make something hopefully semi-attractive with my own clumsy hands.

    Hmm… not sure I can even get the fabric in the hoop correctly.

    I guess this is my version of the analog year and my pushback against an increasingly dark world where everything feels ugly and out of control.

    On Christmas morning, though, what I found most appealing about that watercolor pouch was how oddly inspiring and perfect its little imperative was in terms of my writing.

    Make pretty things.

    Yes, I realized. This new year, that’s exactly what I want to do. I want to write pretty stories. Nothing more ambitious, nothing less.

    With that, I reframed my entire attitude toward writing.

    Small but lovely, even extraordinary; photo from Unspash

    I didn’t want to fill out quarter-planning templates or develop SMART goals or in any other way be detailed or methodical about my writing objectives. I didn’t want to write out my ambitions as measurable checklists I could mark off (or not) when I did (or didn’t) achieve them. I didn’t want to work toward monetizing my writing. I’d done these things the year before, and I was over it. I needed something freer.

    I battled a fair amount of creative anxiety last year. Disappointment, insecurity, and imposter syndrome were the main bugaboos, stemming mostly from the fact I had more rejections than acceptances, I went a long while without writing any new fiction, and my two official publications were met with relative quiet. I’d also come to realize just how hard writing well actually is, and how many extraordinarily talented writers are out there, even among the “amateurs” posting on social media.

    I mean, my god. Who was I to think I had any business trying to craft stories for publication? Or even to share publicly? Who was I to possibly waste anyone’s time?

    On top of that was subscription and advice fatigue. I follow so many book coaches and writing accounts that I’d gotten overwhelmed with all the advice, all those urgent do’s and dont’s. Don’t misunderstand me, they’re mostly great, but you can gorge yourself on too much of a good thing until you’re bloated and hardly able to move. I was paralyzing myself with all the things I’d learned, trying to write even first drafts that were unobjectionable, and I was developing a debilitating perfectionism. It was even giving me stomachaches.

    All of it was stealing my joy.

    It forced me to revisit why I began writing in the first place.

    In 2022, living in a brand-new town far from home after uprooting my life, I was lonely and bored. I was no longer teaching, no longer forced to problem-solve or think in other creative ways as part of my career, and I was afraid my brain might rot.

    Writing gave me a way to fill my days with thoughtful make-believe, giving me all kinds of characters and plots in which to escape. It also allowed me to strengthen my creativity in absolute freedom, which was so much better for my mind and heart than scrolling social media or watching bad television. It even gave me a way to output language, something I couldn’t do if I were only reading, which of course I love too (reading and writing absolutely go hand-in-hand; I don’t believe you can do either truly well without the other).

    Speaking of reading, I finished this book today. I definitely enjoyed it!
    This signed copy with character art was also a Christmas gift Jer purchased directly from Northwick’s online shop. What a special thing for a self-publishing author to do. I love it!

    I also knew I was fortunate to have the time and means to pursue a creative endeavor, something all people need and few can easily afford, and I didn’t want to squander the opportunity. For personal enrichment, then, creative writing was a perfect hobby.

    It was when I began taking that hobby more seriously that things became more complicated and emotionally challenging.

    That is not to say I want to stop taking it seriously; I don’t. In fact, pursuing quality craft for the sake of the artistic and intellectual challenge alone is my favorite part about writing. I like striving to improve phrasing, concision, and structure at both the micro and macro levels. I enjoy cultivating images and specific voices. I love synthesizing inspirations and ideas to hopefully come up with something iterative and fresh. These are the aspirations that I find, in the moments when I’m tapping fingers to keys in a wonderful flow, genuinely fulfilling, the highest form of play. I don’t intend to give that up.

    Photo from Unsplash

    I just needed a step back from, well, all the noise. All the unnecessary pressure I was putting on myself. I needed to let go of the idea that all of this must be perfect and lead to something specific and conventional in order to qualify as positive and meaningful–an actual published book or publication credits in the right kind of magazines, for example.

    Not that I wouldn’t love those things; of course I would. But right now, this year, I don’t want to sit down and write with those specific ends goals dictating everything and driving me crazy. I don’t want to commoditize my work, so to speak, especially when I don’t even know if such goals are realistic for me. I hope my efforts lead to a book I’m proud of one day, or a publication in Black Fox Literary, for example. Those would be wonderful results. But not at the expense of my joy.

    So, the more I thought about it, the more attractive and clarifying “make pretty things” became. And not that I’m tossing in the towel when it comes to elements like proper scene structure, either. I’m not ditching the conventions of a working story for flowery upchuck or things I never finish. I just mean, I want to find beauty and enjoyment in what I actually feel like writing. I don’t want to write only for submission calls. I don’t want to write just for a certain “legitimacy.” Life’s too short.

    Thus, “make pretty things” is my one big creative goal for 2026. When I sit down at my laptop, I plan to work on exactly what I’m in the mood for, whether it’s appropriate or good enough for anything else. Even if I can’t do anything with it when it’s done. I just want to feel like I’m striving personally for something that, ultimately, I find to be a thing of burgeoning beauty and meaning. Something that is hopefully better than what I wrote a year or two ago. That’s what’s healthiest for me right now.

    Photo from Unsplash

    This shift in attitude includes pushing myself to post more of my creative work directly to WordPress and Substack (which is nothing but a more polished, curated version of what I publish here). I believe sharing at least some of what we create is part of a healthy artistic life; we need witnesses to our work, even if it’s just one person. I’m finding that, after I get over the initial “vulnerability hangover” as Amie McNee calls it, it feels good to have someone like and even comment on the piece. It gives me closure, and I find it’s easier to move on to the next story or essay.

    So, thank you for bearing witness to what I’m writing on this blog, which is basically my public diary. I appreciate the views, and I hope what you read is engaging and somehow meaningful more often than it’s not.

    I waited to post this little new year manifesto on purpose. I wanted to make sure I still felt this way by the end of January.

    I also couldn’t bring myself to post right after all the violence in Minneapolis. Writing about creative hobbies and lovely things feels superficial and insensitive in light of what’s happening in our country. I also know, though, that giving up the things we enjoy because we’re overwhelmed, saddened, or scared is letting tyranny win. So, I’m trying to balance my own pursuits while acting as a conscientious citizen.

    Photo from Unsplash

    Did you make any new year goals or resolutions? If so, how are you doing with them? As always, feel free to share anything you’d like in the comments; I love reading them.

    See you next month!

    XOXO,

    Jenn